Thoughts on Aging

I am old.  My hair is gray, my weight hassuccumbed to gravity, my vision is failing.  My teeth are crumbling, my joints ache my stomach has gotten picky.

I am not dead.  I still think, feel, care, remember.  I love my husband even though he now bares very little resemblance to the man I married.  I love my family whether we are close or get together or not.  I love my children even though they are grown and on their own andhave their own lives and issues that don’t extend to old people.  I love my grandchildren even though they give me very little thought unless they are physically here.  I hope that someday great-grandchildren will be a part of my life, although judging by the grandchildren it doesn’t seem likely.  I could conceivably even someday have great great grandchildren, though it seem unlikely.  I have a fairly good chance of living long enough; but seems the children are smart enough to be waiting later and later in life to have their own families.  I have some 4 generation pictures; one with 5 would be cool, but not likely to happen.

I still remember having fun.  Once I was young and stupid and pretty much carefree.  Once I went to concerts (very few, but some); once I went dancing.  Occasionally I went with friends drinking, but I’ve never been much of a drinker (I tend to either go to sleep, or get sick .. makes it pointless!).   I participated in little theater productions … once I was even on stage!  I went to Savannah for a weekend with a girlfriend, and would dearly love to do it again.  I went to Disneyworld when my children were young.

Once upon a summer I had a “job” with which I traveled to New York.  I didn’t get the opportunity for much sightseeing, but I can say I’ve been there.

There is so much more I want to do.  I don’t mean a “bucket list”.  Yes, I have one; but a lot of what’s on it are just wishful thinking that I don’t really think will ever happen.  But I would love to travel, and see interesting places while I still can see at all.  I’d also like to meet interesting people .. although I think they would not be very interested in meeting me, my life is pretty boring.

I like to laugh, although there’s not a lot in my life that makes me laugh these days.  I like romantic comedies.  I like suspense novels (James Patterson, David Baldicci).  I love cats.  I like pretty clothes even though I have nowhere to wear them.  I love earrings, especially sparkly dangly ones.  I love junk food and “fast food” at times.  I like to try new things, and it is frustrating not to be able to ee well enough to cook.  I used to love to dance (before my bones and feet got old).  I enjoy dancing and singing type competitions (TV shows).  I like nearly every kind of music except rap and jazz.  And bluegrass, that I’m not too fond of either.

I like big floppy friendly dogs.  I like the smell of line dried sheets.  I love Christmas trees.

I don’t feel like I’ve done anything of any particular significance; but my life is not over.  I’d like to make a difference.  But even if I never do … I still matter.

I’ve had people tell me they couldn’t (or wouldn’t) “do what I do”.  No one knows what they can or will do until the situation presents itself.  Every morning I wake up and wonder how I’m going to make it hrough the day.  Every night I go to sleep knowing God helped me get through one more day.  So I am stronger than I think I am.  Maybe stronger than I want to be, but I do what needs to be done.

Perhaps I will never get to do any of the things I want to do, accomplish anything of significance, or even enjoy the simple pleasures again.  But I still matter.

I am old.  I am not dead.  I matter.