Yet Another Bucket List

I've made .. and revised .. a bucket list serveral times over the years.  And every time, fate just laughs and deals me another blow.
At this point I'm tempted to reduce my list to "survive".  But I don't even really care if I do that.
I used to want a ride in a hot air balloon .. and then there was a spell of multiple serious accidents involving balloons.  Hmmm ... forget that.  I wanted to ride in a limosine ... and then found out how much they cost.
I'd still like to ride an elephant; but there don't seem to be any in this apartment complex (although some of the dogs are quite large).  And a train ride ... no fun alone and nowhere in particular to go.
I had a list of quilts I wanted to make .. but of course, didn't count on losing too much vision to do them by the time I actually had time.
So now ... I guess the only thing on my bucket list is to actually have some kind of social life of my own.  
And in my uncertain world, I guess that's good enough for now.

Silver and Gold

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship lately.  It’s said that the best way to have a friend is to be a friend.  It would appear I’m not very good at that.   But recently I’ve come to realize that at least 2 people I had thought of as friends aren’t really.  Also, a lot of people I thought of as friends are really only acquaintences.  There’s a vast difference between being “friends” and being “friendly”.

A long time ago I had this wonderful little book about “balcony people”.  I don’t know what happened to it .. and if I don’t come across it in the on-going process of purging and packing, then I hope it went to someone who will also appreciate it.  The basic message was that we all need at least one person “in the balcony” .. someone who cheers you on, believes in you, cares about you .. no matter what.   Life is too short (and for some of us, too stressful) to be brought down by negative people.

One person I had thought was a friend just stopped having anything to do with me .. about the time I ran out of money and the booze in the house ran dry.  I had tried to be there for her when she needed me .. but she certainly was nowhere to be found when I needed a friend.

Another friend, I have come to realize, rarely ever has anything positive to say.  She has always criticized me and my family, always has little comments.  I’ve always let it go, because that’s what friends do.  But when I realized that being with her did not give me any ositive feelings at all, I decided it’s time to shut that door.  It makes me sad; but I truly do need people in my life who are uplifting, not dragging me down.

Oddly enough, 2 of the best true friends are ladies I only see maybe once in 10 or 20 years.  And one of them doesn’t even write or anything.  But she was totally there for me when I most needed her.  And whether we’re in constant contact or not, I always *know* she’s there.

Another friend has been my BFF for 50 years.  We write frequently right now; but have at times gone yeaars without being in touch at all.  We always “find” each other again.  And she is the truest “balcony person” for me that I’ve ever known! 

I wonder sometimes how I can possibly deserve 2 such good friends .. I don’t do anything but whine and complain; and yet they listen patiently.

I am about to enter a new (and mostly unexected) phase of my life.  I’m looking forward to it, and terrified at the same time.  My true friends will still be friends.  The false friends will be left behind.  I know I will meet new people, make new acquaintences.  I wonder if any of them will turn into friends .. I hope so, but time will tell.

I’m remembering the little jingle we learned oh so many years ago in scouts …. “Make new friends, But keep the old.  One is silver and the other is gold”.

Cat Herding

The phrase “cat herding” is, as near as I can determine, a reference to trying to force uncooperative subjects to go where you want them to go.  For example .. trying to get 20 or so 5 year olds to behave in a quiet and orderly manner .. in a toy store!  Cats (like 5 year olds) have a mind of their own.  And they are sneaky, slippery, and very fast.  They can squeeze into the most amazingly small spaces.  They can even ignore things that terrify them .. like a vacuum cleaner .. if it’s in their best interest to stay hidden.

However, with help, and a good pan, and a good back-up plan, it is possible to outsmart a determined cat! 

A mama cat dropped a litter of kittens at my house .. and as soon as they were weaned, mama took off.  I had no problem with this.  I’m the crazy cat lady.  I love cats.  Even the mean or stubborn ones.

However, a litter of dogs also tried to take up residence in my yard.  I love dogs too, but did not want this batch of strays.  Because I can’t drive, there was no point trying to catch them; and eventually they got too big and wary.  They never were “friendly” (many people tried to coax them to come to them to be petted .. dogs having none of it!).  It finally got to the point that no matter where I tried to feed my cats, the dogs were stealing the cat food.  They even came up on the porch, only 2 feet away from my door.  So, in desperation, I started feeding the cats in the back hall.  It took awhile for them to figure out the plan … but now, when I open the door, they come running.  However, it took me awhile to perfect my system.  I close all the doors, so there’s only a very small hall area for the cats.  But my mistake was in trying to slip through the den door back into the rest of the house.  One day when doing that one of the cats darted through the ddoor with me .. and, of course, vanished.  I don’t remember how long ago that was .. over a week at least!  I have since learned to leave by the back door after letting the cats in, and walk around to the porch door (and remember to unlock it first! LOL!) to go back in the house.  That way the only door the cats can go in or out by is the outside door.

However .. I still had the issue of a sneaky cat in the house.  He stayed in hiding most of the time, and would venture out at night.  But every time he saw me (or even saw movement I think), he darted back into hiding.

Once, a week or so ago, I decided I just had to try (again) to get him out.  I had a door shut so he was confined to the kitchen and den area.  I started spraying Fabreeze (well, it was the first spray bottle I got hold of .. plus the room really needed it!!) under and behind the furniture.  I did, finally, flush him out.  He raced around a bit .. went into the kitchen, across the counters, but then back into the den.  At one point, finally, I was sure I saw him dart into the back hall, so I quickly closed that door.  Then I went around outside and opened the back door.  Multiple cats went in and out … but once I made sure there were no cats left in the hall before I closed the back door, I was sure the cat had gone out.

Late that evening, I dropped a plastic tray on the floor .. Butter likes to lick the bottom of those.  I glaned over the edge of the chair … and there was that cat licking away on the dish!!  He looked up, and I swear, he laughed at me!!!  Then of course he darted away.  He didn’t have to go more than 2 feet away in the dark for me to no be able to see him.  I’m pretty sure he knew that too.

So, we continued to co-exist for another week or so (just can’t remember exactly when different phases happened).

So, Sunday morning .. I heard a noise at the front door.  I got up to see (actually thought it was Maggie, but wondered what outside might have caught her interest).  It was “The Cat”.  As soon as he saw me, he darted into the first place he came to .. the front bedroom.  And, I closed the door!!!  Now, having been through this before I still couldn’t be really sure I had him trapped.  But a short time later Maggie was very interested in the door, and when I got closer I could hear the cat scratching at the door from inside.

From that point I just had to wait for help; but I had a good plan.

When my son and 2 grandchilden got here, we put the plan into action.  First, my grandson held the front door open from outside (out of sight.  Mostly.)  The my son and my granddaughter got on their knees in the hall entrance (no door there), ready to “scare” the cat in the other direction (towards the open door).  And then, I opened the bedroom door.  Well, the cat had other plans.  He did not dart out as expected.  And of course, I couldn’t find him .. even though I KNEW he was n there.  So finally my granddaughter came in the help flush out the cat.  That’s where the plan started to fall apart.  It took awhile, but once we found him he finally ran out of the room … and right past my son!!  OK, seriously, it was very funny that a person as large as he is couldn’t contain that small cat.  But then, a determined cat isn’t really “containable”.

So, back up plan goes into action.  All the other doors were closed (a very wise precaution on my part!).  That meant he couldn’t run straight into the kitchen, which is where he headed.  Then he apparently paniced.  I wasn’t close enough to really see what happened.  My son hollered at his son to hurry up and hold the door open (thankfully none of the other cats were hanging around trying to come in!).  The cat, when it couldn’t get in the kitchen, seemed to start racing around, bouncing off walls and furniture, knocking over a lamp .. and managed to jump towards the glass storm door.  He “spring-boarded” off it, and hit the porch running. 

And, with that, the saga ends.  The cat is no longer in the house.

A new story begins .. there are 2 tiny baby kittens on the porch.  I put an old laundry basket with an old towel there for them, and mama cat seems to be OK with that.  Ever since the babies were discovered, they’ve been being handled, cuddled and petted.  My plan is, as soon as they’re old enough, to keep them and catch the other cats to find homes for them. 

Of course, the cat who was so recently a house guest may have other ideas about this trapping business.  Clearly, cat plans do not necessarily mesh with my plans! 

So, we shall see how it goes.

Thoughts on Aging

I am old.  My hair is gray, my weight hassuccumbed to gravity, my vision is failing.  My teeth are crumbling, my joints ache my stomach has gotten picky.

I am not dead.  I still think, feel, care, remember.  I love my husband even though he now bares very little resemblance to the man I married.  I love my family whether we are close or get together or not.  I love my children even though they are grown and on their own andhave their own lives and issues that don’t extend to old people.  I love my grandchildren even though they give me very little thought unless they are physically here.  I hope that someday great-grandchildren will be a part of my life, although judging by the grandchildren it doesn’t seem likely.  I could conceivably even someday have great great grandchildren, though it seem unlikely.  I have a fairly good chance of living long enough; but seems the children are smart enough to be waiting later and later in life to have their own families.  I have some 4 generation pictures; one with 5 would be cool, but not likely to happen.

I still remember having fun.  Once I was young and stupid and pretty much carefree.  Once I went to concerts (very few, but some); once I went dancing.  Occasionally I went with friends drinking, but I’ve never been much of a drinker (I tend to either go to sleep, or get sick .. makes it pointless!).   I participated in little theater productions … once I was even on stage!  I went to Savannah for a weekend with a girlfriend, and would dearly love to do it again.  I went to Disneyworld when my children were young.

Once upon a summer I had a “job” with which I traveled to New York.  I didn’t get the opportunity for much sightseeing, but I can say I’ve been there.

There is so much more I want to do.  I don’t mean a “bucket list”.  Yes, I have one; but a lot of what’s on it are just wishful thinking that I don’t really think will ever happen.  But I would love to travel, and see interesting places while I still can see at all.  I’d also like to meet interesting people .. although I think they would not be very interested in meeting me, my life is pretty boring.

I like to laugh, although there’s not a lot in my life that makes me laugh these days.  I like romantic comedies.  I like suspense novels (James Patterson, David Baldicci).  I love cats.  I like pretty clothes even though I have nowhere to wear them.  I love earrings, especially sparkly dangly ones.  I love junk food and “fast food” at times.  I like to try new things, and it is frustrating not to be able to ee well enough to cook.  I used to love to dance (before my bones and feet got old).  I enjoy dancing and singing type competitions (TV shows).  I like nearly every kind of music except rap and jazz.  And bluegrass, that I’m not too fond of either.

I like big floppy friendly dogs.  I like the smell of line dried sheets.  I love Christmas trees.

I don’t feel like I’ve done anything of any particular significance; but my life is not over.  I’d like to make a difference.  But even if I never do … I still matter.

I’ve had people tell me they couldn’t (or wouldn’t) “do what I do”.  No one knows what they can or will do until the situation presents itself.  Every morning I wake up and wonder how I’m going to make it hrough the day.  Every night I go to sleep knowing God helped me get through one more day.  So I am stronger than I think I am.  Maybe stronger than I want to be, but I do what needs to be done.

Perhaps I will never get to do any of the things I want to do, accomplish anything of significance, or even enjoy the simple pleasures again.  But I still matter.

I am old.  I am not dead.  I matter.

Dream House

I have always drawn houses.   Not pictures of houses, but pictures of blueprints.  The first one I remember drawing was in about 5^th or 6^th grade.  It had 10 bathrooms!!  At the time, there were 6 of us in  a small one bedroom house!  In fact, it was really a 2 bedroom house with a den … my sister and I shared the den.  Our room had a picture window to the back yard!!  (our brothers shared a room about the size of a walk in closet!).

Those first drawings were done on regular notebook paper.  As I got older, I scoured the library for books about houses, and I “graduated” to using graph paper.  Some of my later drawings were done on multiple sheets of graph paper taped together.  And at one time I had a “desk mat” sized pad of graph paper.

As I grew, and read, I learned.   More about blueprints.  My houses became more ractical.  They had depth of walls, locations for doors and windows, even electric outlets and plumbing fixtures.  I still have (somewhere) some of the “better” plans I came up with.I

I have not drawn any houses in many years now.  That was something that has taken a back seat to life.  And, the last one I did I was so satisfied with, I never tried to change it.  I always thought it would be neat to someday have an actual blueprint made of one of my plans.  There’s no longer any point, since I wouldn’t be able to see it.

So I thought, before the house (that I can see so very clearly in my mind) is gone, I would try to describe it.

The exterior is brick.  There is a central part that is two stories, with single story “wings” on each side (everything is semetrical).  There is a deep porch with columns across the front, and wrapping around to where it meets the wings.  The front door is a double door with side lights.  One end of the porch has a swing There are old fashioned rockers placed around on the rest of the porch .. not enough to be “cluttered”, but inviting.

Entering from the front door, one is in a wide hallway.   On the immediate left is a double doored coat closet.  On the right is a door into a library or study.  Just past that dooway, on the right side of the hall, is a stairway with a beautiful handrail to the second floor.  On the left, the front hall goes on past the stairway.  On the left, just past the closet, is the entrance to the living room.  The entrance appears “grand” because of the depth of the coat closet.  Just past the entrance is a 2^nd mirror image closet, for storing bulky items like card tables.  The front hall continues  past the stairy and then turns right.  On the left at the end of the hall is a door to the dining room.  Straight ahead is a door to the kitchen.  Turning right and continueing in the hall, on the immedicate right is a door under the stairway, to stairs leading to a basement (or if no basement, a storage space).  On the left is a door to a half bathroom.  A little farther down the hall, there is a door on the right to the library/study.  On the left is a door to a laundry room.  The hall ends at a doorway to the master bedroom.

The living room and dining room are only “divided” by a center wall.  It might have a two-way fireplace.   The living room has 2 tall windows (matched by windows in the library).  In the dining room, theree’s a door on the left, just past the living room, to a “work room” or “playroom” (or whatever other purpose might be needed).  It is directly opposite the door from the hall into the dining room.  On the dining room wall directly across from the living room, there is a door into a butler’s pantry with cabinetry for storing china and serving items.

From the hall, entering the kitche, there is a long section of cabinets(the length of the dining room wall) for extra storage and counter space.  This forms a sort of hall way.  On the right, in an area that will be behind the half bath, is a large walk in pantry.  The hall way that runs along the cabinetry opens into a large area that is kitchen on the left (which also opens into the butler’s pantry) and family room on the right.  There are windows along the entire back wall of this space, and at the far right end is a fireplace.

Off the left side of the kitchen is a back hall/mud room area with a coat closet.

To the right, after entering the family room, past where the pantry is, there is a door into the laundry room.  This is a long narrow room between the family room and the front hall, which has washer and dryer, storage, and possibly a space for a water heater.

Just past the laundry room is another door that goes into the master bedroom area.  On the back wall to the right of the fireplace is a door to a small porch.’

The master bedroom is the wing that mirrors the work room.  The back section (far right of the room looking from front) is a bathroom, built in dressing area, and closet.  There is also another closet on the left side of the room.  A door in the back of the closet opens into the den (meaning one can go from the bhedroom to the kitchen via a shorter route than going all the way down the hall).

The upstairs has a hall way to match the one on the first floor except without the extention.  There are 4 bedrooms, 2 on each side, and each pair share a bathroom.  At the back side of the house, between the two back bedrooms, is a “box” room, like a huge walk in closet with cabinets and a window. 

The upstairs hall is sort of “C” shapred.  The doors to the bedrooms on the right are at each end of the staircase.  On the end at the front of the house are the stairs up to the attic.  It might have dormer windows.  It is just a completely open space with floor and walls.  (someday someone else could “finish” it if they wanted).  It should have been a place for grandchildren to play.  Or maybe great-grandchildren.

The house sits a bit far back from the road.  Ideally, it will be in the mountains, so that the view from the front of the house looks out over a majestic view.  It is either on a corner lot, or the driveway runs along the left side and turns.  There is a parking space on the left side of the house, and a walkway to the front door.   Off the back left corner is a 3 car garage, with an apartment over it .. rental, or family member.

There should be enough back yard for room for kids to play and dogs to run; and maybe, off the right back corner, a swimming pool. (but maybe not if it’s in the mountains).  Behind the yard it should be wooded and private.

I can see it all so very clearly in my head.  I don’t know if I’ve described it well enough for anyone else to “see” it.  But at least it’s now written down and not disappeared in the dusty depths of my mind!

Bucket List Update

It seems like lately I’ve seen/heard a lot of talk about “bucket lists”.  I have one, but it was made years ago.  Since my vision is failing, I think it’s time to update mylist. First of all, all quilts are OFF the list.  I’d still like to make some of them; but since I rarely sit down to the sewing machien, my productivity has gotten pretty low.  I hope to finish ones already started.  After that .. I don’t know. Most of my bucket list wishes are things to ride.  The sight-seeing type rides should be near the top I suppose.  But they aren’t really.  The list is in random order. >>I still want to ride an elephant.  I don’t know why; I just love elephants, and I think that would be a cool ride. >>I want to take a cruise.  Preferably someplace warm!  I like snow, but I don’t want to be on a boat to view it somewhere cold.  I don’t believe I’d get seasick on a cruise liner; and I want to enjoy the luxury!  There’s lots to do that doesn’t necessarily depend on good vision. >>I also think a train ride across country would be great fun.  But that would only work if there was a destintion, and I don’t have a particular one. Perhaps a more realistic wish would be for a cross country trip with a sibling who travels. I’ve never riden in a limosine.  I know to some people that’s no big deal.  But I  would like to experience it once.  If I could manage that one before the vision is too far gone, it would be great fun to have a limo ride to see Christmas lights in the high class (and old world) parts of town.  With champagne, of course. I would love to ride in a hot air balloon.  Even though vision would also be a benefit for this, I believe I’d still enjoy just the feeling.  I’ve been “up” in one, but it was tethered and only went just bove tree top height.  I didn’t find it at all scary .  But then, I’ve never been afraid to fly (or at least, pre-911 I wasn’t). There are other things on my list than just rides.  I have a list of people/sentient beings I want to meet someday.  But, let me be clear on this.  I’m not hunting autographs or selfies or anything.  I don’t mean I want to go through a receiving line and shake hands, say something banal, and move on.  I would like the chance to actually have a real conversation …  I’d even love to invite some of them to my house for dinner or something.  Well, some of them probably not so much; but still, to talk to. >>I think Scotty is not only adorable, but a kind and considerate home-town boy.  I’d love the chance to apologize for not realizing quickly enough who I was talking to the one chance I had.  I’d enjoy treating him to BlJangles. >>There are a lot of very attractive celebrities; but not all that many I’d really care to meet.  Maybe it’s just that they have bad reps.  But the ones I think I would enjoy meeting include Richard Gere; Henry Winkler; Tom Selleck; Ted Danson; Clinton Kelly; Rachel Ray;  Jonathon and Drew Scott; Curtis Stone; Greg Fischel (or actually anyone at ch.5); the Budweiser Clydesdales;    probably others I can’t think of at this moment. >>I can’t think of anyone “political” or “religious” I have any special desire to meet.  It’s not that I have anything against them .. I just don’t think I’m smart enough to be able to talk to them.  And while I have personal opionions about certain things I do not like to be in a position to have to defend my opinions.  I’ve never been good at debating .. and I just retreat into sullen silence.  Not a pretty sight! >>I don’t know if it really counts as a bucket list type item.  But if wishes were fishes … or something like that. I’d really like to be rich.  No I mean really RICH.  Everytime I see certain stories on TV, I want to DO something.  I don’t mean those sappy ones that try to get you to donate to save the animals or save the children or whatever.  But I just want to DO something that matters … like building hospitals and libraries and stuff.   I guess a winning lottery ticket isn’t reqlly *appropriate* on a bucket list!

What it was, was football

During a sleepless spell, in an effort to get to sleep, I watched some old Andy Griffith episodes.  Opie was not quite 14, to give you an idea of the time frame!

It didn’t put me to sleep; but it did make me think of a story Andy used to tell .. way before Mayberry.  He was telling about an experience he’d had: the gist of it was there were two bunches of guys, in really tight pants, playing in a cow pasture.  They were each trying to take a squashed pumpkin away from each other, and run from one end of the cow pasture to the other without getting caught, and without stepping in anything.

Yep, that sounds about right.

OK, I admit, I’m not a big football fan.  I watched plenty of games when my son played in high school; and I learned enough to somewhat keep up with what’s going on.  I just never learned to *like* it!

I don’t know what I seem to be “odd man out” in my family … everyone else seems to be sports fans, particularly football.  My mom was really crazy about it.

My husband doesn’t like any sports except hunting and fishing.  For many years we only had one TV, and generally watched what he chose.  The only exception was I got to watch Olympics (particularly ice skating).  Now that we have multiple TVs, I still don’t watch sports. 

Every year about this time the talk all turns to Super Bowl.  While I’ve never watched one, I am usually curious about all the hoopla about the commercials. , and the half time show.  But I usually either forget or lose interest.

This year I’m hearing talk about a big game (I think it’s today or tomorrow).  I don’t even know where the teams are from, but I recognize some of the players.  Their names are not only in the news, they’re frequently mentioned on shows like ET; not to mention commercials.  Manning and Brady.  And I wonder which Mama would have been rooting for. 

I *think* that which ever one of them wins will be playing in the Super Bowl.  I don’t know who else.  I guess I don’t really care. 

But every once in awhile I’m a bit jealous of people who have Super Bowl parties.  They have friends over and have fun food!  We never do that.

Maybe this year I’ll try again to watch the Super Bowl.

Maybe this year I’ll try to fix something special and try again to watch.  But maybe I’ll just throw some chicken bites in the oven and watch HGTV.

Better yet maybe I’ll just get some Pringles and Cherry 7-Up, and listen to a book! J  Yep, that sounds like a good plan.

(nearly) blind cooking

I blog about my husband’s on-going health issues and my feelings about that.  I blog about my Christmas prep (or, as 2013, my lack thereof).  I send a weekly newsletter to around 100 people with a summary of our weekly doings and potential plans for the upcoming week.

I have this blog just sitting here mostly gathering dust.  I have recently osted about goals for the new year, and an updated bucket list.  But otherwise I rarely post here, and I am asking myself why.  I spend way too much time alone (or with DH who has dementia – he sleeps most of the time, and it’s rare that we can carry on a “normal” conversation when he’s awake).  So .. why not just sit here and write?

Write what one might ask?  Well, anything I darn well feel like would be my answer! LOL!

Today was long, tiring, and stressful.  But for all that, I had one loving bright shining experience.  I got to hodl a new baby!!!  He’s only 1 day and a half old, and weighs less than 5 pounds.  Ohhhh so sweet!!!!!  I got very little of the rocking-the-baby experience with my grands.  My son has 2 kids, who are my only blood-related grands.  They were born on the west coast; and while we did see them occasionally as babies, we lived too far away for much of that experience.  The youngest was still a toddler when they moved east, but niehter of the kids were particularly “close” to us (we have grown closer as they get older, and I treasure every moment with them!).  The oldest grandson is my step-son’s step son, but has been “our” grandson since I think around 4.  The younger son is  DH’s blood-related grandson, and he was the only one we had much time with as a baby.  I do remember walking the floor a lot of nights with him (colicky).

My stepson now has a live-in girlfriend with 4 sons, who we have accepted as “bonus grands”.

All of that to say I’ve had very limited chances to rock babies.  The girlfriend’s sister just had twins.  I am looking forward to many more chances to hold one of those babies!

I have always had very poor vision, but wore corrective lenses most of my life.   About 6 yeaers ago I was diagnosed with glaucoma; and in the past year my vision has begun to fail.  A lot!

I’m old.  I do not change easily! LOL!  So learning how to cope with ever fading vision is a major life challenge.  Therefore, when I come across something that works .. and would work just as well for someone with perfect vision .. I feel compelled to share my success!

I heard a recipe on a TV cooking show.  It sounded good, so I thought I could manage it; and put my own spin on it as well.

Start with chicken pieces.  I used wings and thighs, because that’s what we like.  You can use what ever parts you prefer.

I lined baking pans with foil and sprayed with cooking spray.

I set up 3 bowls.  In the first I put flour.  In the second I mixed a few spoonfuls of mayonnaise (didn’t make enough at first) with a slightly less amount of sour cream.  I added salt and pepper (just shook a bunch in, no measuring) and stirred it together.  In thethird bowl I crushed up cheddar potato chips.  Next time I make this, I will use twice as many chips (2 large bags), and I will crush by putting in a baggie and using a rolling pin (I just squashed with my hands .. down side of that is they stick to my hands!).

Roll each piece of chicken in flour, then in the mayo, then in the chips. It’s very messy!

Bake in an oven set at around 350.  I have to guess at that part, but it was hot anyway.  I left it in the oven for an hour, and it was falling off the bone (well, except the boneless pieces!) done.  Larger ieces could take longer I think, but not much.

The chicken came out yummy, nice and crunchy on the outside and very well done but still moist on the inside.

The original recipe had some sort of hot spices in the mayo mixture, but we don’t care for hot.  It also used plain chips.  I thought the cheddar flavor sounded good.  I was right.

This was messy and slow.  I kept “losing” pieces of chicken once they were coated in flour.  I probably won’t make it often; but I think it will be a good go-to recipe for company!

Updated Bucket List

A few days ago I posted about goals for 2014.  A “bucket list” is not the same, as it is more “open ended”.  Between my husband’s failing health and my (more rapidly) failing vision, setting any kind of timeline is not practical or wise.  I find I have to revise my list of things I’d like to do in my lifetime.  Not only does my situation change, but my feelings change.  My original list had a lot of quilts on it.  The truth is, what quilting I do is not really that good, and it takes me a very long time.  I rarely can or will sit for hours at a time at the sewing machine.  It’s time to admit – to myself – that I’m highly unlikely to get even a fraction of the sewing done I would have liked.  I would still love to play with pattern and design .. but I don’t have any serious hopes of finding someone who woul want to sew up quilt tos according to my imagination; and I have even less hope of finding someone to do the actual quilting affordably.

What I do find is that “rides” become more and more important.  Even with limited vision (and even if I eventually lose it altogether) riding is still fun.

I’m not a particularly “brave” person, but there are some rides I’d love to try.  I hate riding on a busy road with someone who’s got a lead foot on the gas pedal .. but riding really fast in a boat is great!

I want to ride an elephant.  I don’t know why, but I do.  I like elephants.  I’d also like to ride in a hot air balloon.  I’ve been “up” in one – way up over tree tops – but it was tethered.  Apparently I just like being “high”.  Must be the cat in me! LOL!

I used to like traveling by airplane.  I don’t know if I would enjoy that as much now, since I couldn’t see the view.

I also would like some more “mundane” rides.  I would love to take a long ride in a fancy stretch limo.  Ideally, around Christmas to see lights (and drink champagne, of course).  If that doesn’t happen before my vision gets a lot worse, it might have to come off the list.  But I’d still like to ride in the limo, just to see what luxury feels like.

I’d like to travel, even though I do know that’s not likely to happen either.  But I leave trips on the bucket list because – well, because if if I don’t think they will happen, it doesn’t mean I don’t still want them!  I’d especially like to take a cruise.  I’m greedy – if I ever get one, I hope it’s at least a week and not one of those skimpy 3 or 4 day ones.  But I’d take whatever I got the chance at!  I’d even (make that *also*!) love to take a dinner cruise at the coast.

I’d also love to take a long train trip. Despite several accidents involving trains in the news recently, I believe train travel is safe.  It’s just a nice way to travel.  I guess sight-seeing is not so much a part .. although I won’t rule out places with more spectacular sights I could still see somewhat (Grand Canyon?  Niagra Falls?).

I used to want to travel overseas, particularly the British Isles.  I don’t think I’m brave enough to want that any more.  But it would be fun to someday tell my great-grandchildren “I’ve been to see the queen” or “I’ve been in Paris in the spring”.

I’m now in my “upper” 60s.  I figure, based on my health and family history, I have a good 20 to 30 years left.  It would be nice to think I could “make a difference”.  But I’m not good at anything. I have no talent, I’m not “outgoing”, and I can’t drive.   I don’t think there’s much call for setting a pretty table! LOL!   I keep being told how well blind people function .. but that’s not the point at all.  I can find ways to “make do”.  I just don’t know any way to make my life have any point.

Short term bucket list item:  a rest.  Just a few days without any responsibilities.  

2014 Goals, sort of

I had it in mind to update my “bucket list” for the new year.  Then I thought I might copy my niece and write about 14 accomplishments to be achieved in 2014.  Only, I couldn’t think of 14.  I couldn’t even think of 4.

The thing is, my life is currently unpredictable from one day to the next.  I can’t even count on a regular morning routine any more.  But, I do need some sort of goals .  Without some sort of goals .. some hoe of bettering myself, my life, in some way … I become purposeless and useless.  That is not acceptable.

For 2014, I hope to be more patient.  A LOT more patient.  I hope to find new ways of accomplishing the day to day things that need to be done in lieu of a “routine”.  I need to grit my teeth and purge more and more of the “stuff” here, especially paper and paper related. Unless it’s insurance, annuity, or tax related – I don’t need it any more.

I got rid of at least a dozen ring binders.  I kept 4 or 5, several big fat ones, that I have meticulously assembled over the years (predominately Christmas related).  It just breaks my heart that after all that work, I can no longer see well enough to use them .. and no one else is interested. 

Perhaps I’ll keep them a bit longer, in hopes that there’ll be someone to help me use them again.

Another goal for 2014 is to be more self reliant.  I’ve been disappointed quite a few times this past year.  People say they are going to do something .. but then not only never do, they don’t even so much as acknowledge that they ever said they would.  So, instead of counting on people, I have to learn new ways of doing things so that I don’t need help.  The hardest part of that is taking care of DH.  I’m tired all the time, and tired makes me so much less patient than I need to be.

I don’t want to commit myself to anything more specific than this.  I really do not know from one day to the next what will happen.    As of tonight, I feel like  DH will continue on this same path for years .. slowly declining (but with his mind sadly failing faster than the rest of him).  His doctor put him on hospice; but I’m fairly sure they did that in order for us to get some degree of help (oxygen, hospital bed, wheelchair – all paid for by hospice, as well as other supplies).    I do not think his doctor literally saw him as being terminal within 6 months.  Or 12 months.  Who knows.  I do understand that the toxins from his kidney disease are slowly causing more problems for him that are, as yet, undetectable.

And enough of that gloomy subject!  The point is, although I *think* things will continue more or less as they are for many many months to come, I don’t know that for sure.  And even if the general theme continues, he is different from day to day.  That’s where I need to learn to be flexible, and come up with ways to get done the things I need to do.

I also need to work at determining what really is important and what isn’t.  Writing IS important, because I need the outlet for emotions and feelings.  Mostly I do that on my One Day blog.  I need to be sure to not go more than 2 days without updating.

One last point.  My goal is to be more “cheerful” in the newsletter, and less “whiny” in the blog.  Expressing my depression and frustration is one thing; but I need to stop complaining about the same stupid things over and over!  I’m amazed that no one has dropped the newsletter, even though I’ve had to cut way back on what is in it.  I actually miss being able to do the quotes and other stuff, but I just can’t see well enough.  Too bad I don’t have a research assistant! LOL!

I hope anyone who happens to read this has a wonderful New Year: healthy, safe, and prosperous!

Cats!I have been saying over the last year or two that I am "in traiin

I have been saying for the last few years that I am "in training" to be the "crazy cat lady".  There are few who would question the "crazy" part.  I was raised by a lady, but I can't say it "tok" all that much; but I do try.  Usually.  But cats ... ahhhhhh.  I do love cats.  Even when they infuriate me, which they often do.

When we lived at the beach, I was given an adorable "tiger" kitten.  He was very sweet, but like all cats he was curious.  So when an obnoxious houseguest left the door open, he went out.  Outdoor cat, no problem.  Outdoor cat when there's a pen with several large dogs ... major problem.  Suffice to say he did not survive the experience.
Later I was given another kitten.  She was pure white .. and purely mean.  I was the only one who was ever able to handle her, and even I had to be cautious.  Later I was given yet another kitten, a 3-legged refugee.  I thought the 2 would be comppany, but they never bonded.  Eventually the mean cat was allowed to be an outside cat, and she was actually much happier - and nicer - until she got into the cow pasture.
The 3-legged cat survived  several moves, and eventually succombed to natural causes.

About a year or so after the last cat died, a neighbor's cat had a litter.  I claimed one, the prettiest little female ever.  As it turned out, she was the only survivor of that litter (due to roaming evil dogs).  Her name is Maggie, and she is quite aware that she is a beautiful princess.  She's now about 3 1/2 years old.  

A friend had to move out of state and couldn't take her cat, so I said I would take him.  I thought he would be company for Maggie.  You'd think I'd have learned that doesn't work! LOL!  Anyway, he's a big yellow cat named Butter.  He's now a bit over 2 years, and they tolerate each other.  Mostly.  He does prefer to be outside, so most days I let him out in the morning.  He comes to the door at night when he's ready to come in!

Last summer a stray cat showed up in the yard.  She was very scrawney, but friendly.  So I started feeding her.  Butter was afraid of her, so he stayed inside for a few months.  One day I went out to feed the stray .. and to my very great surprise, kittens began to come out from under the porch!

Naturally I began feeding the kittens.  My thought was that I needed to get them "tamed" so I could catch them and take to a shelter.  Well, part of the problem with that is that I have no way to actually either catch them or get them to a shelter.  In any case, they are coming around, gradually, one at a time.

The little gray one was the first to accept me.  I tried picking him up once, and he tried to bite me.  Fortunately, his little baby teeth weren't strong enough.  Now, some months later, I can pick him up and ;et him.  He won't accept being held long at a time, but he doesn't bite or scratch; he purrs!
Several of the others (there are 5!) will now come rub around my feet and purr; and one is just starting to let me reach down and pet it.

Two days ago one of the little brats found a way to climb in a window.  I'm now really sure that's what he meant to do, but nevertheless he got in.  I didn't find him until much later; but then the big cats discovered him .. and he ended up in the attic!  Last night I finally had the big cats shut in the kitchen, so I took a small dish of food and some water upstairs, and shut the door.  This morning the kitten kept crying, so I gook a bowl of milk (watered down, that's what I give them outside) to him.  I sat on the stes in the doorway, and he came right up to the bowl .. and slurped down the milk so fast he choked himself!  The food and water was gone.  I went back and got a small dish of food, and put in down several steps.  Then I sat on the landing near the bottom of the steps.  It took a few minutes, but the kitten came on down.  When he got near me, he started "exploring".  He circled around me.  A time or two when he got close, I reached out and rubbed or scratched him.  He ducked away, but ot far; and he was purring the whole time.  He kept getting braver, letting me touch and rub him.  Finally when he was close and not darting away, I got hold of him by the back of the neck.  I was then able to pick him up .. still purring .. and carry him to the door to go out.
And the little brat, as soon as his feet hit the porch, immediately stood up against the door crying again!!  Seems he liked being inside!  Oh, it is SO tempting.  But 3 cats?  And with Miss Maggie not likeing "intruders" into her kingdom?  Sigh.  I guess not.

I'm really OK with the outside cats.  After all, we live out in the country .. and have mice!  Maggie and Butter are turning into pretty good mousers.  I'd like to think the outside ones would be also.  But .. carzy or not, I don't really need or want more litters.  So I need to catch the females at the very least and have them spayed.
Hmmm.  First I need someone with good vision (which I do NOT have) to determine which are the females.  Then I need to borrow one or two large "live traps".  And then I'll need someone to actually take them to the vet, or shelter, whichever I need to do.

So.  I have the cat part well in hand.  The crazy part is not in question.  I guess I need to work harder on being a lady.  Well, sometimes anyway. :)

End of OctoberIf there's anyone out there actually fo

If there's anyone out there actually following this countdown journey with me, I apologize for my erratic postings.  There are things going on that are just beyond my control, and I'm working around them as best I can.
I am having to cut back on my ambitions for my Plan, but the end result - a clean and organized (mostly) house - is still the goal.  The worst room was the guest room, and I';m very pleased with what I accomlished in there.
I have exactly 5 weeks until Thanksgiving.  So, my semi-revised plan is to finish cleaning rooms by the weekend before, do a really good all over clean, and then pre.  As of now I might have anywhere from 15 to 22 here .. and as long as I can figure out where to seat them, the more the merrier!  (note: I will have my daughter in law, my stepson's girlfriend, and her mother all here to do the bulk of the cooking!)
I haven't been able to clean the porch as I hoped; but ALL of the cardboard that was piled up is gone, and the few "fragile" plants have been brought in.  That might be as good as it gets for outside.  I only have 4 areas I need to tackle, and 2 can be combined (and need very little unless I can find somewhere I'm comfortable with to donate more books).  So I hope I'll get at least some of the outside decorating done before the weather is too cold.  I'm sure it will have to be cut back this year, since I have much less help.
The last week before Thanksgiving I will start packing up bric-a0brac and photos so I'll have surfaces ready to decorate.  I'm leaving fall decorations up until Thanksgiving, but one more week and then Halloween gets packed away.

One thing I seem to have trouble with is focus.  I started out well; but I keep jumping from one room to another.  Right now I'm obsessed with changes I want to make in the den.  I have done part of what I wanted (because I had to move a big recliner so it wouldn't be absorbing the bulk of the heat from the wall heater as well as blocking heat from the rest of the room!).  I have a plan in mind for the rest; and I may just go ahead and start working on that today.  No one will be here today or tomorrow  so if that room is all in disarray it won't matter .. and if I get "stuck", the kids will be here Sunday and have no choice but help! LOL!

This has been a very bad week on several levels.  I'm going to try to get enough accomplished in the next few days to feel better about the few areas I can control!

COUNTDOWN PLANNING 101

HOW TO DESIGN YOUR OWN “CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN PLAN”

Over the years I have belonged off and on to many organizing groups and sites.  I was one of the original members to one group that is now BIG (and I’ve exceedingly happy for the lady who had a great idea and ran with it!).  And there are now many “professional” versions of this idea, many books published, etc.

They all tell you what to do.  Some have more detail than others.  They’re not all in the same order.  But the idea, of course, is to end up with a clean house and a calm holiday where everyone can enjoy themselves.

The problem I always have with all of these is (1) my list of rooms doesn’t match up with theirs.  Not a “big deal”, rooms can be substituted.  And (2)my time frame and other considerations interfere.  So I’ve had to use their basic ideas to make my own plan. 

I’m not going to tell you what my plan is.  I’m going to try to tell you HOW I made my plan.

The first step is to determine your starting point.  Are you starting in August?  October?  It’s up to you how much time you want to allow and how much detail you want to accomplish.  Here’s an example: I have multiple birthdays to deal with in October and November.  So trying to shop for Christmas gifts just doesn’t work for me.  I have money set aside in savings.  Also, I enjoy having a “wrapping day” rather than wrap gifts as they’re bought.  It’s up to you to decide your personal preference before you can incorporate it into your plan.

Another thing you will need to consider isif you are making gifts.  A lot of people don’t need a “how to” plan, they work on them all year.  But if you need more structure, then you will want to add time for working on your gifts.

Once you have your starting point, and have taken into consideration whether or not to shop early, and whether o not gift-making is to be part of your plan, the next step is to decide what areas you want to tackle, and how much detail cleaning/organizing you feel the need for.  Keep in mind – this is your personal plan.  You don’t have to go by what anyone else ways you *should* do, only what makes you happy!

I recommend you make a list of all the areas you want to tackle.  Then determine how many weeks you have to reach your goal.  For example, if you plan to start in the beginning of Septemberand you want to be done by Thanksgiving, you will figure on roughly 10 to 12 weeks (depending on the calendar in any given year).  If there are more areas than there are weeks, decide which areas can be either combined or eliminated.  You’ll make yourself crazy – and set yourself up for failure – if you try to cram too much into too short a time frame.  (If that’s where you are now – let it go!  You can’t do it all.  Do what matters most, and start earlier next year!).

You now have a rough outline of your plan.  The next step is to figure out what needs to be done each week.  This has to be based completely on your life style, your location, your family.  For example: many plans start with the front porch, because that’s what visitors see first.  And that’s fine if that’s what works for you or is what’s important for you.  But what if you start your plan in August, and you live somewherr that August is extremely hot?  Do you perhaps want to wait for cooler weather?  Do you want to do the porch when it might be time to bring “delecate” container plants inside, and maybe decorate for fall?  It’s entirely up to you, this is just a general guide of things you might want to consider.

Also, how much detail do you want to go into?  Are you having a big family get together and want to make big or special improvements?  Or do you just want to make sure everything is neat and clean and any needed repairs get taken care of?  I suggest you make notes of any ideas you have about different aareas on the list of areas to work on.  You can later cull it down if your list is over ambitious.

In listing ideas you must also take into consideration the time frame you have and anything that could come up that eats into your time frame (birthdays?  Anniversaries?  Doctor appointments?).  Do you work outside the home full or part time?  Do you work at home?  Do you have set or flexible hours?  Do you have to consider school – homeschooling, or carpooling, extra curricular events, etc.  Try to put as many of those things as you can on your calendar first so you can plan around them.

OK, back to the subject of what to do and when to do it.  In my personal plan, I work on less “important” rooms first – in my case, rooms that are not often seen by visitors.  I also keep in mind the weather.  For example, as with considering the porch, will a given area be too hot or too cool to do cleaning or organizing?  I personally do not include attic or storage areas, but you can if you want them tackled.  (I clean the attic in January while the bulk of what lives there – Chrsitmas decorations – is not in the way).  This is your plan, do what you want done!  Just make sure you take into consideration the comfort level of where you plan to work.

A lot of the planning groups and sites give you check lists.  While it’s good to be able to check off what you’ve accomplished (especially if, like me, you need that visual cue to keep encouraged).  But I also find those lists very cumbersome in that they include many things that either aren’t important to me or aren’t relevant.   You can go to any of those sites (google Chaistmas organizing), or you can make your own lists based on what is important in your home.

I’ve given you a basic outline of how to make a plan to suit your home and life.  It’s up to you how much detail you want to put into it.  Some people may work better with every tiny thing written down (i.e. scrub light switch plates).  Others do fine with a list that just says “this week clean the bedroom”.  You choose if you want to sort closets and drawers, or if that’s not important to you right now.  The whole point is to be ready for Christmas, not put your house up for public inspection!  Guests will inevitably peeop into the medicine cabinet.  Do you care?  Does it stay neat anyway?  (I broke a closet door, so the entire bathroom closet has to stay neat since it’s always “open”.  On the other hand, if they snoop in drawers, they *might* deserve to find a mouse trap!)

There are a few other things I recommend you keep in mind.

(1)     Nothing will go as planned.  Accept that, go with it the best you can.

(2)    Try to schedule “catch up” time into your schedule to make those unavoidable interruptions less stressful.

(3)    Include celebrations in your plan.  Don’t be so wrapped up in getting the house clean that your forget to make (or order) a birthday cake.  Allow time for fun!

(4)    Don’t be afraid to ask for or accept help if you’re lucky enough to have any available!

(5)    Keep in mind that the ultimate goal is a stress free holiday season. You have to decide what’s important to you and your family, and let go of what bogs you down if it’s not important to you!

Into Darkness

I was born with very poor vision.  The fact that I could see "clearly" at something 3 inches from my face is probably all that kept me from being "legally blind".  From early in the first grade - only 5 years old - I had to wear "coke bottle" glasses.  
For a brief spell when I was in college I had contact lenses.  That was before the days of "soft lenses" or disposable ones; but oh! the freedome they gave me.  But when I went to work in an office the freedome ended .. my eyes could not tolerate the dry air and flourescent lighting.  So back to the thick lenses, but at least I could have them tinted to help with glare.
At some point, maybe 20 or so years ago (I really do not remember except that it was during the time we lived in Edenton) I had a "spontaneous detached retina" in my right eye.  I had surgery, but it left me with a mostly blind eye - only some peripheral vision.
Fast forward another 20 to 25 years, give or take a few.  I developed cataracts.   Apparently they had been developing for quite some time; but without eye care insurance, I was a long time between appointments.  When I got to the point I could no longer ignore my fading vision, I went to an eye doctor - who promptly sent me to a surgeon. 
I had some sort of minor tear in one eye that had to be repaired, resulting in 6 weeks of no computer, no reading, no bedning, no heavy lifting. Once I got past that, I had the cataracts removed - one eye in December, the other in January.
For a very brief wonderful time, I could SEE!  I still needed glasses for reading, which was extremely hard to adjust to.  When the cataracts were removed, the lenses in my eyes were replaced, an it reversed my vision from near-sighted to far-sighted.  Never again can I read by simply holding a book close to my face.
After recovering from the cataract surgery, I went to a regular eye doctor to get prescription reading glasses.  I actually could "make do" with dollar store readers, but needed something better in order to keep working.
That's when I was diagnosed with glaucoma.  At that time, it was not noticeably effecting my vision.  That was around 5 and a half years ago.  The doctor then told me he thought I'd be completely blind "within my lifetime" (based on me being in my early 60s then and with at least a 20 year or more life expectancy).   He did not tell me how fast my vision would fail without actually being "blind".
I now see a glaucoma specialist about 3 to 4 times a year, and have a bunch of different eye drops to control pressure.  But the fact is, my vision has deteriorated drastically.
I can no longer drive (and technically no longer have a valid license, although the one I have expires in December - as long as no one were to run it with DMV, because it was revoked at the end of September).  Sitting here at the computer is difficult and frustrating.  One of the effects is that everything "fades" .. so light blue print is impossible to read; also anything small is impossible.  Watching television now is just listening and seeing a blur of colors (if I really want to "see" something, I have to sit or stand within about a foot of the screen; it's still blurred, but discernable).
I walk through my house and see mostly shadowy areas with pools of light where lamps or windows are.  I know my house well enough to know where things are (and absolutely Haate for anyone to move my things around).  I'm learning what things are more difficult to do (have you every tried to put toothpaste on a toothbrush when you literally couldn't tell where or how much you were getting?  Trick: squeeze the toothpaste onto a finger, and then squish it onto the brush).
I can no longer take my husband's blood pressure or temperature; and God help me if the alarm on the cycler goes off, because I can't read the screen that says why.
The people in my life day to day don't really grasp my frustration.  The one friend has been helping me go through freezer and pantry, to get rid of things I know I'll never use or are out of date.  I think she vaguely "gets it".  And my daughter in law has helped me go through mail and such; but she lives 2 hours away and they don't have time to visit.  My husband isn't really able to comprehend what I can and can't see; but then, he has multiple health issues, including dementai.  I'm satisfied for him just to know who I am.
Even when people close to me begin to understand what I can and can't see, they still don't really grasp what it's like on a day to day basis.  I want to clean my house, but literally can't see if a given surface is clean or not.  I go through the motions and hope for the best.  
I can't sew any more.  I actually can put my face close enough, and with a finger guiding, I can run the machine.  What I can't do is get thread through the tiny hole in a clear bobbin so I can wind it; or rethread the machine.   And no one really has time to just sit there with me to do that.
My world is gradually getting darker, and there's nothing I can do about it.   I trip over things I can't see (like that legs to my husband's bedside commode - they spraddle out, and I've broken a toe on it before, and always afraid I will again)..
It's barely daylight now.  Time to stumble through another day in my faded, out-of-focus world.
There were so many things I thought I'd get to do when I retired.  Instead I'm 24/7 caretaker for my husband, and no longer able to enjoy most of the things I wanted to do.  I don't resent caring for him (but will admit to being very tired).  I just feel sad  And very alone.

Random Thoughts in a Sleepless Night

It’s 3:00 AM and I’m awake.  I don’t know why; I want desperately to be asleep.  I seem to be developing chronic insomnia.  I don’t know if I’m falling victim to what I’ve accused DH of for years: not sleeping at night because of sleeping/napping too much during the day.    Hve I got it backwards?  Is the overwhelming daytime exhaustion because of not being able to sleep all night?  And why?   I was so tired and frustrated with DH waking in the middle of the night (anywhere from 1:00 to 4:00 on average).  But the new sleeping pill is working it seems.  He does occasionally wake up (rarely that I need to go in and get him settled back down).  But I’m still waking up and can’t get back to sleep.  I don’t dare taken anything to make me sleep; not even a glass of wine.  I need to be able to wake up if he does call me, or if the cycler alarms.  I guess I need to try to avoid, or at least limit, the daytime napping.  And the only way I’ll do that is by getting busy doing *something*.  And that’s hard to do when you’re so exhausted it hurts to move.

When I wake up in the wee hours and can’t get back to sleep, my mnd seems to go into overdrive.  This is an attempt to shut it down by going on and writing out thoughts (and by the way, starting the washer and getting a sandwich – to do something productive since I’m up, and hoping the peanutbutter and jelly will let me get back to sleep in a little while).

I keep being asked what am I going to do.  It seems people are afraid to be specific – do about what?  When the nurse asks, she seems to be asking what am I going to do when I can’t take care of DH, either because his condition deteriorates or because I’m no longer physicaly able.  I can’t answer her, because I don’t anticipate that happening.  Denial?  Perhaps; but I just can’t fathom any possible way for any other situation.   If he were to get to the point of literally not able to get out of bed, even to get on the commode; and his dementia progress to where he’s completely “out of it” or no longer recognizes family … I firmly believe (and *think* DSS does too, though it’s harder for him to accept) his wishes would be to just stop doing the dialysis, and let him slip away naturally and peacefully.  The only thing he’s ever stated was that he doesn’t want to be a “vegetable”.  (mostly he’s completely refused to have “that conversation” in any form whatsoever.  No, that’s not completely true.  He has stated that he thinks “elaborate” funerals are a waste of time and money)  But – funerals are for the living).

Meantime, I just don’t see any way of anything changing.  I’ve done the best I can to make arrangements to cope with my vision problems.  Many people know about the problems (I will need someone to stay here with Jimmy – someone physically capable of dealing with him if necessary; and someone to drive me somewhere to get the glasses fitted and ordered.  And then I’d have to do it all over again when they’re ready.  There are none of those “one-hour” places even remotely close to us).  So far – everyone is just way to busy.

I suspect some of the “what are you going to do” questions are vague references to after DH is gone.  I can’t answer those.  I can’t even imagine life without him.  I’ve been married to him half my life (and I know that’s not all that long compared to other marriages, but I can only think within my own experience).  Even the way his is now, without him here my life would have a big hole in it.  I guess I would wander around the house aimlessly for awhile.I know the time would come – quickly – that people go their own way and I’d be mostly ignored.  I think the “kids” (DS and DSS, and their respective spouses or SOs) would try to pressure me to move.  But not because they don’t want me out here alone, but because they don’t want to be bothered having to come way out here if I needed something (like going to the grocery store?)

When DH was last in the hospital, one doctor made a comment – I can’t remember it exactly – the gist was “he could last six months like that”.  That was almost immediately after her comment “we’re not doing anything medically for him, we’re just keeping him alive”.  I thought that was a bit of a crude statement, so her comments after didn’t fully register.  I am not sure if she was saying she thought he wouldn’t live more than six months past that time (which he already has); or if she was implying he *might* last six months if the dialysis was discontinued (which the PD nurse told me would most definitely NOT be the case – maybe up to 3 days).  All of the doctors on that last visit seemed to imply that we should stop the dialysis (or at the very least he should go back to hemo, which he is adamantly against.  Besides which that would create a whole new set of problems.  And his original PD nurse flatly stated she wasn’t sure he could survive hemo now.  I didn’t ask if she menat emotionally, or because of blood pressure issues, or what).

Hospice was mentioned, almost in passing – just to state that it wasn’t an option because he’s on dialysis.  That also seemed to imply they thought he wouldn’t last more than six months.

Ironically, it was the dialysis center who started the process of getting him into hospice.    It took 3 tries to get him accepted.  On his last visit to the pulmo clinic at Duke, the doctor said she thought hospice was a good direction for us, and she would do anything – sign anything – needed to get him admitted.  In the end, it was her signed admittance form that got him accepted. 

When we discussed it, she made sure to explain that the six months was only an estimated time frame, and could be renewed.  Ever since then I’ve wondered: did she really think he had six months or less?  Did she not want to just come out and say that to us?   (he was already a bit depressed because she has flatly stated he would NOT get any better).  Or was she really just reassuring us that it was just a way of getting him admitted into a program that would supposedly make things easier for us? As I said, he’s already more than six months out of the hospital.  And while his condition has clearly deteriorated, I honestly don’t think he’s all that near “the end”.  Apparently neither does his nurse.  (and I’m constantly afraid that he really isn’t “bad enough” and they’ll drop him from the program.  Not that I want him to be that bad; but it does terrify me to think of not having the nurse once a week, or the CAN 3 times a week; of having to pay for his oxygen, hospital bed, and wheelchair; of being completely on my own (and unable to drive) to take care of him.

He was admitted on July 9^th.  The initial six months takes him just past the end of December.  That’s about 2 and a half months from now.  No, I don’t think he’ll be gone in that time.  But I will say, I’ve long suspected that he’s more likely to succumb to a heart attack.  He’s had 2 – the last one while he was in the hospital (Feb. 2011) which we were told was a “big” one. A doctor told me many years ago that lung patients were more likely to die from heart failure as the heart was over worked trying to maintain a failing body.  That would be the easiest way for him – quickly and done; but finding hm just might drive me into dementia. With the rejection, the nurse will be able to tell when he’s near the end, and most likely I won’t be here alone.  Although by then maybe I’ll wish I was!

I’ve sat here and wrote for an hour, without managing to clarify my thoughts at all.  But perhaps I can sleep a few more hours now.