Thoughts on Aging

I am old.  My hair is gray, my weight hassuccumbed to gravity, my vision is failing.  My teeth are crumbling, my joints ache my stomach has gotten picky.

I am not dead.  I still think, feel, care, remember.  I love my husband even though he now bares very little resemblance to the man I married.  I love my family whether we are close or get together or not.  I love my children even though they are grown and on their own andhave their own lives and issues that don’t extend to old people.  I love my grandchildren even though they give me very little thought unless they are physically here.  I hope that someday great-grandchildren will be a part of my life, although judging by the grandchildren it doesn’t seem likely.  I could conceivably even someday have great great grandchildren, though it seem unlikely.  I have a fairly good chance of living long enough; but seems the children are smart enough to be waiting later and later in life to have their own families.  I have some 4 generation pictures; one with 5 would be cool, but not likely to happen.

I still remember having fun.  Once I was young and stupid and pretty much carefree.  Once I went to concerts (very few, but some); once I went dancing.  Occasionally I went with friends drinking, but I’ve never been much of a drinker (I tend to either go to sleep, or get sick .. makes it pointless!).   I participated in little theater productions … once I was even on stage!  I went to Savannah for a weekend with a girlfriend, and would dearly love to do it again.  I went to Disneyworld when my children were young.

Once upon a summer I had a “job” with which I traveled to New York.  I didn’t get the opportunity for much sightseeing, but I can say I’ve been there.

There is so much more I want to do.  I don’t mean a “bucket list”.  Yes, I have one; but a lot of what’s on it are just wishful thinking that I don’t really think will ever happen.  But I would love to travel, and see interesting places while I still can see at all.  I’d also like to meet interesting people .. although I think they would not be very interested in meeting me, my life is pretty boring.

I like to laugh, although there’s not a lot in my life that makes me laugh these days.  I like romantic comedies.  I like suspense novels (James Patterson, David Baldicci).  I love cats.  I like pretty clothes even though I have nowhere to wear them.  I love earrings, especially sparkly dangly ones.  I love junk food and “fast food” at times.  I like to try new things, and it is frustrating not to be able to ee well enough to cook.  I used to love to dance (before my bones and feet got old).  I enjoy dancing and singing type competitions (TV shows).  I like nearly every kind of music except rap and jazz.  And bluegrass, that I’m not too fond of either.

I like big floppy friendly dogs.  I like the smell of line dried sheets.  I love Christmas trees.

I don’t feel like I’ve done anything of any particular significance; but my life is not over.  I’d like to make a difference.  But even if I never do … I still matter.

I’ve had people tell me they couldn’t (or wouldn’t) “do what I do”.  No one knows what they can or will do until the situation presents itself.  Every morning I wake up and wonder how I’m going to make it hrough the day.  Every night I go to sleep knowing God helped me get through one more day.  So I am stronger than I think I am.  Maybe stronger than I want to be, but I do what needs to be done.

Perhaps I will never get to do any of the things I want to do, accomplish anything of significance, or even enjoy the simple pleasures again.  But I still matter.

I am old.  I am not dead.  I matter.

Dream House

I have always drawn houses.   Not pictures of houses, but pictures of blueprints.  The first one I remember drawing was in about 5^th or 6^th grade.  It had 10 bathrooms!!  At the time, there were 6 of us in  a small one bedroom house!  In fact, it was really a 2 bedroom house with a den … my sister and I shared the den.  Our room had a picture window to the back yard!!  (our brothers shared a room about the size of a walk in closet!).

Those first drawings were done on regular notebook paper.  As I got older, I scoured the library for books about houses, and I “graduated” to using graph paper.  Some of my later drawings were done on multiple sheets of graph paper taped together.  And at one time I had a “desk mat” sized pad of graph paper.

As I grew, and read, I learned.   More about blueprints.  My houses became more ractical.  They had depth of walls, locations for doors and windows, even electric outlets and plumbing fixtures.  I still have (somewhere) some of the “better” plans I came up with.I

I have not drawn any houses in many years now.  That was something that has taken a back seat to life.  And, the last one I did I was so satisfied with, I never tried to change it.  I always thought it would be neat to someday have an actual blueprint made of one of my plans.  There’s no longer any point, since I wouldn’t be able to see it.

So I thought, before the house (that I can see so very clearly in my mind) is gone, I would try to describe it.

The exterior is brick.  There is a central part that is two stories, with single story “wings” on each side (everything is semetrical).  There is a deep porch with columns across the front, and wrapping around to where it meets the wings.  The front door is a double door with side lights.  One end of the porch has a swing There are old fashioned rockers placed around on the rest of the porch .. not enough to be “cluttered”, but inviting.

Entering from the front door, one is in a wide hallway.   On the immediate left is a double doored coat closet.  On the right is a door into a library or study.  Just past that dooway, on the right side of the hall, is a stairway with a beautiful handrail to the second floor.  On the left, the front hall goes on past the stairway.  On the left, just past the closet, is the entrance to the living room.  The entrance appears “grand” because of the depth of the coat closet.  Just past the entrance is a 2^nd mirror image closet, for storing bulky items like card tables.  The front hall continues  past the stairy and then turns right.  On the left at the end of the hall is a door to the dining room.  Straight ahead is a door to the kitchen.  Turning right and continueing in the hall, on the immedicate right is a door under the stairway, to stairs leading to a basement (or if no basement, a storage space).  On the left is a door to a half bathroom.  A little farther down the hall, there is a door on the right to the library/study.  On the left is a door to a laundry room.  The hall ends at a doorway to the master bedroom.

The living room and dining room are only “divided” by a center wall.  It might have a two-way fireplace.   The living room has 2 tall windows (matched by windows in the library).  In the dining room, theree’s a door on the left, just past the living room, to a “work room” or “playroom” (or whatever other purpose might be needed).  It is directly opposite the door from the hall into the dining room.  On the dining room wall directly across from the living room, there is a door into a butler’s pantry with cabinetry for storing china and serving items.

From the hall, entering the kitche, there is a long section of cabinets(the length of the dining room wall) for extra storage and counter space.  This forms a sort of hall way.  On the right, in an area that will be behind the half bath, is a large walk in pantry.  The hall way that runs along the cabinetry opens into a large area that is kitchen on the left (which also opens into the butler’s pantry) and family room on the right.  There are windows along the entire back wall of this space, and at the far right end is a fireplace.

Off the left side of the kitchen is a back hall/mud room area with a coat closet.

To the right, after entering the family room, past where the pantry is, there is a door into the laundry room.  This is a long narrow room between the family room and the front hall, which has washer and dryer, storage, and possibly a space for a water heater.

Just past the laundry room is another door that goes into the master bedroom area.  On the back wall to the right of the fireplace is a door to a small porch.’

The master bedroom is the wing that mirrors the work room.  The back section (far right of the room looking from front) is a bathroom, built in dressing area, and closet.  There is also another closet on the left side of the room.  A door in the back of the closet opens into the den (meaning one can go from the bhedroom to the kitchen via a shorter route than going all the way down the hall).

The upstairs has a hall way to match the one on the first floor except without the extention.  There are 4 bedrooms, 2 on each side, and each pair share a bathroom.  At the back side of the house, between the two back bedrooms, is a “box” room, like a huge walk in closet with cabinets and a window. 

The upstairs hall is sort of “C” shapred.  The doors to the bedrooms on the right are at each end of the staircase.  On the end at the front of the house are the stairs up to the attic.  It might have dormer windows.  It is just a completely open space with floor and walls.  (someday someone else could “finish” it if they wanted).  It should have been a place for grandchildren to play.  Or maybe great-grandchildren.

The house sits a bit far back from the road.  Ideally, it will be in the mountains, so that the view from the front of the house looks out over a majestic view.  It is either on a corner lot, or the driveway runs along the left side and turns.  There is a parking space on the left side of the house, and a walkway to the front door.   Off the back left corner is a 3 car garage, with an apartment over it .. rental, or family member.

There should be enough back yard for room for kids to play and dogs to run; and maybe, off the right back corner, a swimming pool. (but maybe not if it’s in the mountains).  Behind the yard it should be wooded and private.

I can see it all so very clearly in my head.  I don’t know if I’ve described it well enough for anyone else to “see” it.  But at least it’s now written down and not disappeared in the dusty depths of my mind!

Bucket List Update

It seems like lately I’ve seen/heard a lot of talk about “bucket lists”.  I have one, but it was made years ago.  Since my vision is failing, I think it’s time to update mylist. First of all, all quilts are OFF the list.  I’d still like to make some of them; but since I rarely sit down to the sewing machien, my productivity has gotten pretty low.  I hope to finish ones already started.  After that .. I don’t know. Most of my bucket list wishes are things to ride.  The sight-seeing type rides should be near the top I suppose.  But they aren’t really.  The list is in random order. >>I still want to ride an elephant.  I don’t know why; I just love elephants, and I think that would be a cool ride. >>I want to take a cruise.  Preferably someplace warm!  I like snow, but I don’t want to be on a boat to view it somewhere cold.  I don’t believe I’d get seasick on a cruise liner; and I want to enjoy the luxury!  There’s lots to do that doesn’t necessarily depend on good vision. >>I also think a train ride across country would be great fun.  But that would only work if there was a destintion, and I don’t have a particular one. Perhaps a more realistic wish would be for a cross country trip with a sibling who travels. I’ve never riden in a limosine.  I know to some people that’s no big deal.  But I  would like to experience it once.  If I could manage that one before the vision is too far gone, it would be great fun to have a limo ride to see Christmas lights in the high class (and old world) parts of town.  With champagne, of course. I would love to ride in a hot air balloon.  Even though vision would also be a benefit for this, I believe I’d still enjoy just the feeling.  I’ve been “up” in one, but it was tethered and only went just bove tree top height.  I didn’t find it at all scary .  But then, I’ve never been afraid to fly (or at least, pre-911 I wasn’t). There are other things on my list than just rides.  I have a list of people/sentient beings I want to meet someday.  But, let me be clear on this.  I’m not hunting autographs or selfies or anything.  I don’t mean I want to go through a receiving line and shake hands, say something banal, and move on.  I would like the chance to actually have a real conversation …  I’d even love to invite some of them to my house for dinner or something.  Well, some of them probably not so much; but still, to talk to. >>I think Scotty is not only adorable, but a kind and considerate home-town boy.  I’d love the chance to apologize for not realizing quickly enough who I was talking to the one chance I had.  I’d enjoy treating him to BlJangles. >>There are a lot of very attractive celebrities; but not all that many I’d really care to meet.  Maybe it’s just that they have bad reps.  But the ones I think I would enjoy meeting include Richard Gere; Henry Winkler; Tom Selleck; Ted Danson; Clinton Kelly; Rachel Ray;  Jonathon and Drew Scott; Curtis Stone; Greg Fischel (or actually anyone at ch.5); the Budweiser Clydesdales;    probably others I can’t think of at this moment. >>I can’t think of anyone “political” or “religious” I have any special desire to meet.  It’s not that I have anything against them .. I just don’t think I’m smart enough to be able to talk to them.  And while I have personal opionions about certain things I do not like to be in a position to have to defend my opinions.  I’ve never been good at debating .. and I just retreat into sullen silence.  Not a pretty sight! >>I don’t know if it really counts as a bucket list type item.  But if wishes were fishes … or something like that. I’d really like to be rich.  No I mean really RICH.  Everytime I see certain stories on TV, I want to DO something.  I don’t mean those sappy ones that try to get you to donate to save the animals or save the children or whatever.  But I just want to DO something that matters … like building hospitals and libraries and stuff.   I guess a winning lottery ticket isn’t reqlly *appropriate* on a bucket list!