Random Thoughts

I quit posting the newsletter here when I realized hardly anyone was reading it.  Actually, hardly anyone reads any of my blogs.  OK, I don't "advertise" them ... but most of the ones I read weren't advertised either.
It's irrelevant.

My thoughts are about friendship.  I persist in thinking I don't have many; but maybe the problem is my definition.  I always thought that friends were people who LIKE you, whho enjoy spending time with you, who care about you and what's going on in your life.  There are many people that I consider friends because that is the way I feel about them.  But maybe I'm wrong.  Because by that definition, I don't have many. I do have people who seem to like me ... but the vast majority of them are people I've met online, who don't really *know* me.  And if I post (on FB) a cute picture or something, a lot of people "like".  But if I'm struggling with something, I get "hugs" ... and also criticism from people who live in other states and have no clue what I'm up against.
Anyway, those aren't the people that concern me.  And I'm not really talking about family, although it's a deep sadness in me that I have so little contact (laterally).   I no longer get invited to join gatherings - but I couldn't go anyway.  And getting anyone to come here is remarkably difficult.  So I have to come to the conclusion that Jimmy and I are horrible boring people that no one wants to be around.

And then, there are the "users".  People who only like me when I have something to give them, usually money.  When I can no longer afford to hand out money, for whatever reason, suddenly these people have little time for me.  They don't come visit.  They don't call to say how are you (if they do call, it's to complain about something in THEIR life ... I've always been a good listener, but that's still a form of being used).  They don't bother to email or tet unless they want something from me.

People *think* they understand my lonliness and frustration.  They don't even come close.  

And then there's the "friend" who constantly criticises me.  OK, I admit I'm not real good with criticism.  I guess it's because I've lived with it all my life; and honestly, I'm pretty sick of being told what's wrong with me, or how wrong I am about something.  Any discussion I get into with this person turns into a borderline argument.  She just knows *everything* (she even had the nerve to tell me exactly what is wrong with a relative and what to do about it ... contrary to the doctors this person has been to!  And she doesn't even know the person!)  

There is a friend who claims most of all to understand my feelings, because she's been there.  Sort of.  And yet ... I can go days, even a week at a time, without hearing a word.  And when I do hear, or she gets here, it's because she needed to "get away" from her house. There's apparently no regard for what I might need (as in, just to hear something sometimes?)

The one person who seems to understand and care lives too far away to do much about it .. and yet they make more effort than people who live minutes away and "claim" to "be there if we need anything".  I'm sorry, but showing up once a week for a free meal with a bunch of disrespectful brats in tow is not what I consider "helpful".  Ture, there are those who listen to me complain and whine .... but only because they're a "captive audience" at the time.

I get it.  No one wants to hear me complain.  This is my life, deal with it.  I get that.  What I don't "get" is the apparent attitude that "your life sucks, so deal with it, we're busy having fun and can't be bothered".  If I didn't feel so isolatedd, so lonely, so deserted ... maybe I wouldn't complain.  

There are people who tell me how "strong" I am.  Well, NO, I'm not.  I do what I have to do.  Everyone does.  If you have no choice, then you do it.  Strong - to me - is when you have a choice, and choose to do what no one else will do.

When I started out writing I thought I had my thoughts "organized".  But I just can't seem to put the right words together to express what I'm feeling.

Maybe it doesn't matter anyway.

Life and stuff

I pretty much gave up keeping up the blog a long time ago, when it became quite obvious that no more than one or two people were even reading it.  On the few blogs I check regularly (with apologies to the many I follow but rarely check), I'm not listed among the ones they follow.
But every now and then I want to say something.  Sometimes no one wants to hear what I want to say - so writing on a forgotten blog seems appropriate.

I write stuff on here, then "erase" it.  I keep thinking I might actually post this.  What if someone reads it, and decides I'm a horrible person?  What if I am?  There are decisions to be made, and I'm terrified.  I don't have to make them alone, of course; but I know I'm enfluencing Jimmy.  I can't seem to get him to make any sort of decision on his own  (keeps saying whatever I think is best is ok with him).  Now I have to wait for Carl to come home from their weekend camping trip to discuss with him too ... and at the same time I'm nervous, I don't want to have to *wait*.  Does that even make sense?  I have no one with whom to have an objective conversation, and that is SO depressing.

The thing is, we're considering signing him into a hospice program.  There are a lot of misconceptions about hospice (and, I have learned, most of that comes from the fact that people wait too late to join the program).   Yes, hospice is an "end-of-life" care program.  But, people can stay on it for years!  Jimmy does have what we believe to be a qualifying diagnosis - he has "chronic rejection" of his transplanted lungs.  It can't be treated, because any drugs strong enough to combat the rejection would cause him way more harm than it would help.  That also means that another tenet of hospice would automatically be fulfilled: no treatment to "cure" or "eliminate" the condition will be done, because there isn't one.  The basic idea of hospice is to keep the patient comfortable, in their own home, and have the best possible quality of life for whatever lifetime they have remaining (which, as I said, could actually be years).  The renal failure complicates things but only a very small bit.  Being on dialysis for the kidney disease would invalidate hospice.  However, if he's admitted to the program for a condition completely different (i.e., chronic rejection; also vascular dementia), then he can remain on the dialysis (because in the end, that won't have any effect on the lung issue; and if her were to get another infection of any sort, it will adversely effect the dementia).  
I know I'm rambling a lot; I'm trying to "gather" my thoughts.   The objective of hospice is to make the patient (and family) comfortable.  One big "selling point" is that if he feels short winded, he could have oxygen all he wants, even though he doesn't actually qualify (or really need it).  There would be few, if any, hospitalizations - anything that comes up requiring attention would be taken care of at home.  For example, if he got peritonitis again, the PD nurse would come to the house (as she did before.  Tthe hospitalization was actually only to determine if there was anything else going on . The testing revealed the vascular dementia, and indicated it's gradually worsening, and also gets significantly worse with each infection or illness.  If he were to get pneumonia, they would treat him with antibiotics.  All of that kind of thing ocmes under "maintenance".  One of the doctors in the hospital implied that that's all they're doing now anyway.  Of course, she did not have a very good way with words; she came across sounding like she thought we should just write him off as a lost cause, "pull the plug" and be done.  Not!!

OK, I know, I'm still rambling.  I can think faster than I can type (and can't read what I'm typing either), so it's hard to get all the thoughts down.The "down" side of hospice is mainly perception.  Since they won't change anything that's already being done - and will provide additional help - it's hard to see any disadvantage.  One fairly significant thing is that they prefer to have a "DNR" in place.  Jimmy has never agreed to one (and the fact that he won't make a decision tends to indicate his feelings).  The "fine print" is: if there is no DNR, then if anything happens (for all practical purposes, we're basically talking about a heart attack), any hospice employee here is required (by law) to take all possible measures.  But there's another "side" to that issue.  Even if there's a DNR in place (and there is, literally, a bright orange piece of paper, completed by a doctor, stating DNR, in plain sight), I (or family member) have the option of moving it out of sight if we feel there is a very real possibility of resucitation with minimal damage.  Case in point: Jimmy has had at least 2 heart attacks that we know of; but neither time was he actually even aware of it at the time.  He pulled through those without ever losing consciousness; in fact, one of the times (and we can only guess when it was) he never even went to a doctor.  The one time he went to the ER, thinking he might be having one, turned out it wasn't.  He had a heart attack while in the hospital after a "minor" surgery, and no one eve realized it until after the fact.  So, my point is, a heart attack might not necessarily be an "end-of-life" type situation, and depending on the situation I can request action be taken despite the DNR.

I think, as I said (and then got side traced. Again.) is perception.  You tell anyone he's on hospice, immediately they assume he's on his death-bed.  I'm pretty sure I can get the boys to comprehend and be on board with everything.  But siblings might be another story.  I'm truly afraid his sisters would make a huge fuss.  And, when they realize they have no say in the matter, will be nuisances to say the least about "helping", coming to see him; and worse - planning his funeral!!  Good grief.  Am I ready to deal with that?  (not deal with a funeral - I know I'll have help when that time comes.  But to deal with them????).

Another thing to be concerned about, regarding perception, is both my and Jimmy's attitude.  He's been depressed for a long time; and his doctor telling him he would never get any better very nearly put him "over the edge".  It's taken a lot of "pep talk" and encouragement to get him to comprehend that not getting better doesn't have to mean getting worse; but only if he's willing to put some effort into it.  It's been a bit of a struggle to remind him of all the things he *can* do, and will be able to do as the weather gets nicer.  He's looking forward to DGS14 summer visit, so that helps.  My hope is, also, that making him more comfortable (i.e. oxygen if he wants it; more help than I'm able to give with everyday things like baths; plus a bit of relief for me so I'm not so crabby) will make him less depressed and more interested in things going on around him.
But me?  What about my perception?  I had a lot of questions, and the lady had good answers for me.  But am I really pushing this just so I can get some relief?  Is he rally ready for this or am I just being selfish?  And by questioning myself - am I in denial?  Am I ignoring clues and hints from all the doctors?  Or am I being paranoid in thinking that?

Some questions just don't have answers.  Unless DS has some strong objections - and I don't know of any reason why he would - we'll probably go ahead with the hospice.  There is still the very small chance that they'll say he doesn't qualify.  I guess that would be a good thing! LOL!  

I really would like to be able to talk this over with someone objectively.  But basically, there's very few people in my life to have any sort of conversation with.  I have one *friend* who is convinced I'm too stupid to breath and it's her duty in life to instruct me on the correct way to do everything.  (short story example:  email conversation - she mentioned she had forgotten to get a med refill and was annoyed with herself for running out.  I said I love the pharmacy I use because it tracks all prescriptions, auto-refills them when due (and contacts the doctor when a new auth is needed), and calls to let me know it's ready.  She said she was capable of keeping track of her meds, and her mother's and her husband's when they were alive (and didn't this whole conversation start with her saying she'd forgotten one!!).  I said I had more to keep up with than her 3 combined, all due at different times, as well as a lot of other responsibilities, and I appreciated the convenience.  Her response to that was that "a pharmacist" said he didn't have time to "babysit" customers who couldn't keep up with their won meds.  That, to me, really felt like a slap in the face!!  I chose not to continue the conversation).  When I insisted on bringing DH home from the hospital (instead of letting them place him in a rest home), she went on and on about how putting her mother in a home was the best thing to do and how happy she was (mother) and how many friends and activities she had, etc.   There is no "objective" conversation there, because she will always question every decision or observation I make.
She also criticizes me for being "too busy" for her to come over to visit.  Well, the thing is, when she comes I have to spend all day just sitting and visiting (mostly listening).  She says it doesn't matter if the house is "clean", but it does to me.  But I can't get up and down to do the things I do all day.  She's a good person in a lot of ways; but she can be highly critical of me, my family, my friends - and maintaining a friendship is, honestly, stresful!

Then I have another friend.   Wow, that makes 2.  She's actually much younger, and that occasionally becomes an issue - but not often.  However, anytime I say anything, she says "oh that's just like" .. and then goes off on some story of her own that has absolutely nothing to do with what I was saying.  So, I give up trying to talk and just listen.  We used to be able to go out and have fun together.  Between having to keep watch over DH, and vision making it dangerous to drive, there's no fun any more.

There's family of course.  The boys "care"; but they all have super busy lives, and can't just drop everything if I get whiny.  I have siblings that I have very little contact with.  It's not that we are "estranged" or anyting like that.  We just have totally different lives.  I rarely hear anything from any of them.  And it's not that they don't care, but honestly, all they want to hear from me is that everything is just fine.

No matter how many times I start this over, it turns into a whine-fest. (  I'm exhausted and lonely and sad and frustrated. I don't know if hospice is the right direction or not.  I don't want to sign him up for selfish reasons on my part; but I don't want to deny him services that will make his life easier and more comfortable either.  Are there, in the end, any "right" answers?

One of the "Random" Things

I send out a daily newsletter to a few dozen or so people.  Every once in awhile I hear from someone that they enjoy reading it.  Mostly I only hear if I miss a day (and considering how few I hear from then, I do wonder how many of my subscribers just automatically delete).  I used to also publish it here (thus the name "good morning"); but when I realized that in general only one or two people ever even opened the page, I quit bothering. (sorry to those two people).
So, I only put something here occasionally when something catches my eye - usually that means stealing a post from my niece.  So that's what this one is. :)

Things about ME.  

1 are you in a serious relationship?
Yes.  Which translates into live-in slave to a disabled and seriusly chauvinistic man.

2. What was your dream growing up?
This may sound stupid, but the one thing I ever wanted most was to be married and have a lot of kids - the whole "white picket fence" deal.  Didn't happen.  I also wanted to be an artist; but I just didn't have enough talent.

3.What talent do you wish you had?
I wish I had ANY real talent.  I can't carry a tune.  I'm clumsy.  I can't cook.  I *try* (or have tried) lots of things, but never found anything I was good at.

4.Favorite drink?
Presuming this is referring to alcoholic?  My brother's "old fashioned".

5.Favorite vegetable?
That's hard, I really like veggies.  I guess broccoli.

6.What was the last book you read?
I don't read as much any more due to rapidly losing my vision.  But I am currently alternating between "Christmas Cookie Club" and "Collateral Damage".

7.What zodiac sign are you
Capricorn.  And I have no idea what that *means* - and don't care.

8.Any tattoos or piercings?
Pierced ears; it was done when I was around 18, and they don't match.  I've considered a 2nd set, because I LOVE my earrings, but can't get it done to even out.  NO tattoos.  Never have, never will, just my personal choice.

9.Worst bad habit?
I guess it's a toss up between laziness and losing my temper.

10.What is your favorite sport?

To watch, figure skating.  To participate - is shopping a sport?

11.Do you have a pessimistic or optimistic attitude?

I think, most of the time, optimistic.  But I get an awful lot of weepy spells.  I suppose that's probably more depression than pessimism.

12.Worst thing that ever happened to you?

Losing my parents.  They were supposed to live forever.

13.Tell me one weird fact about you.

That's hard.  Who gets to define "weird"?  I don't think I'm weird, but maybe other people do.

14.Do you have any pets?

Yes, 2 cats.  If I thought they'd get along (and my husband wouldn't have a fit) I'd have more.  I also have a dog in the yard.  He's not "mine"; but I'm beginning to wonder if he'll ever go "home".  His owner is supposedly making a place for him; but all I ever hear are excuses.  He'd be a really nice dog if h'd quit barking at night!

15.Do you think clowns are cute or scary?

I don't think they're either one. I've seen some that were cute; the only scary ones I've seen were on TV shows were they were meant to be scary.  Mostly, I just think they're funny.  Usually. Some are just dumb.

16.If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?

OK, I'm presuming the question isn't referring to something I have the (supposed) ability to change, like my weight.  So I think it would be my hair.  It's white around my face, and dark everywhere else, so just looks messy; and thinning nearly to the point of bald on one side.

17.If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?

That would depend on if the win was "public knowledge" or not.  If it was, someone would be knocking down my door for a "loan" (which, since I don't expect to ever get paid back, I'd give an equal amount to someone else).  If no one knew about it, it would get divided between the medical account and my annuity account.

18.What is your favorite place to hang out at?

I don't think I have one.  We don't get to "hang out" anywhere because of DH's multiple health issues.  It used to be going to my brother's house; but we can't travel anymore, and he's rarely home anyway.

19.Do you believe in ghosts?

Undecided.  I've never seen one; but an awful lot of people believe they have.

20.Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

Since I'm retired, in theory *all* my time is spare. Ha! My favorite things to do would be reading and sewing.  With failing vision, both are becoming very hard to enjoy.

21.Biggest pet peeve

Rudeness .. followed closely by inconsideration.

22.In one word, how would you describe yourself?

Doormat

23.Do you believe in/appreciate romance?

Believe in?  Yes.  Appreciate?  How would I know, it doesn't exist in my world.

24.Favorite and least favorite food?

I can't pick a favorite, it changes with my mood; but I hate liver!

25.Do you believe in God:

Absolutely, totally, indisputably.

26.Will you repost this?

What a silly question.  If I don't, who will know?  On the other hand, if I do and no one reads it, what different does it make? LOL!

Borrowed Questionaire

OK, really, Alice "stole" it from Alex who "stole" it from her friend, so I guess I "stole" it from Alice.  But questionaires are fun, even when no one reads them. :)

01. What is your current obsession?

II guess decorating.   I don't do much else.

02. What are you wearing today?

I haven't really decided.  Jeans and a Tshirt.

03. What’s for dinner?

2Probably turkey burgers; but too early to be sure.

04. What’s the last thing you bought?

I ordered some grocery and pet products on line.  So much easier to let someone bring it to me!!  (free shipping of course)

05. What are you listening to right now?

Actually, just as I got here, the phone rang! :)  Otherwise, the computer fan; rain dripping out the window; the cats wrestling; the furnace running.

06. What do you think about the person who tagged you?

No body "sent" it to me.  I swiped it from my niece who swiped it from her sister, both of whom (and the 3rd sister) I love dearly!

07. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?

High up in the Norch Carolina mountains! (but 2nd choice might be Kiawah Island, SC!)

08. One thing you wanna change about yourself?

It's hard to pick only one thing.  Perhamps my stamina.  If I didn't get so tired, I wouldn't get so grumpy.  Then again, if I could have my vision back, I would be so frustrated.

09. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?

Just for an hour?  I choose back to sleep!

10. Which language do you want to learn?

Spanish, so I could understand the neighbor children!

11. What’s your favorite quote?

It'll be all right in the end.  If it isn't all right, it isn't the end.

12 . Would you cook for me?

Ummm ... who are "you"?  I'm writing this for myself.  I cook for myself all the time.  Sort of.  I'm not a very good cook any more (hard when you can't see well).

13. What is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you?

There are a lot of people in my life who hurt me frequently.  But none of them really do it on purpose (they just don't know any better).  I would not have any contact with anyone who hurt me on purpose.

14. What are you afraid of the most?

Losing family members.  Fire.  Alligators.  Needles.

15. Who do you want to meet right now?

Right now?  I haven't showered or dressed - I don't want to meet anyone! LOL!  But I would like to meet Richard Gere.  And I'd love to meet Scotty McCreary - I'd like to apologize to him for not recognizing his voice when he called me; and let him know I really have listened to his CD!  Also, I'd really enjoy meeting Greg Fischel!  

16. What is your favourite color?

Most of the time it's purple.  But sometimes it's red.  Occasionally even yellow.

17. Give us 3 styling tips that work for you.

Style?  I don't think I have any.  I guess wear clothes that fit properly and are age-appropriate.  And fat people shouldn't wear horizontal stripes!

18. What is your dream job?

Retirement - where I could actually be retired, not live-in slave labor.

19. What’s your favorite magazine?

I can't read magazines any more.  I used to like Woman's Day and Family Circle; also Victoria.  And decorating ones. 

20. If you had $100 right now, what would you spend it on?

I'd save it for a rainy day.  Oh wait.  This IS a rainy day.  I'd go shopping on line!

21. What do you consider a fashion faux pas?

Wearing anything too tight.  Socks with anything but lace-up type shoes. Heels so high you wobble.  Horizontal stripes on fat people.  Anything that's inappropriate for the occasion (such as jeans at a formal dinner, or a cocktail dress at the bowling alley).

22. Who according to you is the most over-rated writer?

I have no clue, I only read authors I enjoy.

I

23. What brings a smile on your face instantly?

Hugs from my grandchildren

24. A word that you say a lot?

Nothing I can repeat in public! LOL!  other than that ... either "seriously" or "cool".

25. What kind of haircut do you prefer?

I would prefer long wavy hair.  But since my hair won't cooperate with that - and would look nasty on me - I'll settle for shortish, pinned out of my face, and keeping it neat.  And preferably blue.

26. What are you going to do after this?

Take a shower.  Then gather up trash to take to the dump when it stops raining.

27. What do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed?

Cry.  Scream. Throw things. Slam doors. No wait, that's a temper tantrum.  Depressed?  Eat ice cream.

28. What makes you go wild?

Not real clear on what is meant by "go wild" ...  but incompitency in a business that people have to depend on makes me furious.

29. What are your favorite movies?

Dirty Dancing; Miracle on 34th St.; The Santa Claus; Shall We Dance; Gigi; Wizard of Oz; Mama Mia; 

30. What inspires you?

Nothing much lately.

31. What do your friends call you most commonly?

Betty.  only, no one calls me.

32. Would you prefer coffee or tea?

Coffee!!!  

33. Which other blogs do you love visiting?

There are a lot I read occasionally (but since I have to limit my time on line, not so much any more).  I always check the family ones - not that some of them get updated very much. :(

.

34. Favorite dessert/sweet?

That's hard!  Anything chocolate, or peppermint, or key lime.  Or maybe Krispy Kreme donuts.  A key-lime filled donut would be fabulous!!

35. How many tabs are open in your browser right now?

Five

36. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

I haven't done that yet.  But when I do, my most usual thought is "I wish I could see well enough to know if my hair is ok".

37. Favorite season?

Fall, especially October.  Warm days, cool nights, colorful leaves, yellow flowers ... love it all!

38. One wish that you really want to see come true?

To win the lottery - so then I could hire people to do all the things that I can't do and wishing can't change!

39. What breaks your heart?

Cruelty to animals or children; old people being ignored; war; homeless people; incurable illnesses; devastation caused by nature or by insanity.

40. What's one thing you really want to do in life?

I really doubt I'll ever get to do most of the things I always wanted to do.  But my "bucket list" includes a ride in a limosine; to ride an elephant; a ride in a hot air baloon; take a cruise.

Also I always wanted to design and build my dream house.  I'd love to be able to at least have my design turned into a real blueprint, even though I can't build a house.

Goodbye 2012. Hello 2013

Some time back I quit bothering to post my morning newsletter here when I realized I only had one follower, and hardly anyone was reading.  Since I never received any feedback on that decision, it appears no one really cared.  

However, with the beginning of a new year, I thought I would - for my own benefit - publish something.  I haven't made "resolutions" in years.  But copying my niece, I have come up with a list of goals for 2013.  I really don't know if I'll meet any of them, but at least I mean to try.  The printed list with be paperclipped to my planning calendar so it will be in full view.

The list could easily change or be modified as the days go on, but here is my starting point:

Ø CREATE A REALISTIC BUDGET AND STICK TO IT

Ø  

Ø TRY TO GET CHOCOLATE BUSINESS ACTIVE

Ø  

Ø WORK ON GETTING INTO BETTER GENERAL HEALTH (EAT LESS JUNK, BE A BIT MORE ACTIVE, TAKE VITAMINS)

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Ø SPEND MORE TIME ON PERSONAL CARE (SKIN, NAILS, HAIR, TEETH, ETC.)

Ø  

Ø SPEND MORE TIME SEWING AND READING, AND LESS TIME ON THE COMPUTER

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Ø KEEP UP WITH FAMILY BETTER – BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, ETC.  CONSIDER GOING BACK TO WEEKLY FAMILY NEWSLETTER (NOT FULL REGULAR ONE) – REQUEST CONTRIBUTIONS!

Ø  

Ø BE MORE DILIGENT ABOUT REMEMBERING OTHER BIRTHDAYS AND SIGNIFICANT OCCASIONS FOR FB FRIENDS (WASTE OF TIME OR NOT, I REFUSE TO GIVE UP FB AS IT IS THE ONLY COMMUNICATION I GET FROM SOME PEOPLE!)

Ø  

Ø CREATE A REALISTIC SCHEDULE AND STICK TO IT

Ø  

Ø COMPLETE AT LEAST ONE SEWING PROJECT PER MONTH

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Ø READ DAILY

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Ø CREATE MENUS AND TRY TO SERVE REGULAR HEALTHIER MEALS

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Ø START AND MAINTAIN PRAYER JOURNAL

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Ø QUIT DEPENDING ON PEOPLE WHO LET ME DOWN AND LEARN TO BE SELF-SUFFICIENT

II will *try* to update this periodically to see if I'm meeting any of my goals or need to revise them.

December 25, 2012

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Sorry ..

I apologize to my ONE follower; but it's really just not worth my time to post my good morning message here when only one person even reads it.
Anyone looking for it can sign up at
 GoodMorningFriends-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

or send me a personal email requesting a copy of the daily newsletter.