Into Darkness

I was born with very poor vision.  The fact that I could see "clearly" at something 3 inches from my face is probably all that kept me from being "legally blind".  From early in the first grade - only 5 years old - I had to wear "coke bottle" glasses.  
For a brief spell when I was in college I had contact lenses.  That was before the days of "soft lenses" or disposable ones; but oh! the freedome they gave me.  But when I went to work in an office the freedome ended .. my eyes could not tolerate the dry air and flourescent lighting.  So back to the thick lenses, but at least I could have them tinted to help with glare.
At some point, maybe 20 or so years ago (I really do not remember except that it was during the time we lived in Edenton) I had a "spontaneous detached retina" in my right eye.  I had surgery, but it left me with a mostly blind eye - only some peripheral vision.
Fast forward another 20 to 25 years, give or take a few.  I developed cataracts.   Apparently they had been developing for quite some time; but without eye care insurance, I was a long time between appointments.  When I got to the point I could no longer ignore my fading vision, I went to an eye doctor - who promptly sent me to a surgeon. 
I had some sort of minor tear in one eye that had to be repaired, resulting in 6 weeks of no computer, no reading, no bedning, no heavy lifting. Once I got past that, I had the cataracts removed - one eye in December, the other in January.
For a very brief wonderful time, I could SEE!  I still needed glasses for reading, which was extremely hard to adjust to.  When the cataracts were removed, the lenses in my eyes were replaced, an it reversed my vision from near-sighted to far-sighted.  Never again can I read by simply holding a book close to my face.
After recovering from the cataract surgery, I went to a regular eye doctor to get prescription reading glasses.  I actually could "make do" with dollar store readers, but needed something better in order to keep working.
That's when I was diagnosed with glaucoma.  At that time, it was not noticeably effecting my vision.  That was around 5 and a half years ago.  The doctor then told me he thought I'd be completely blind "within my lifetime" (based on me being in my early 60s then and with at least a 20 year or more life expectancy).   He did not tell me how fast my vision would fail without actually being "blind".
I now see a glaucoma specialist about 3 to 4 times a year, and have a bunch of different eye drops to control pressure.  But the fact is, my vision has deteriorated drastically.
I can no longer drive (and technically no longer have a valid license, although the one I have expires in December - as long as no one were to run it with DMV, because it was revoked at the end of September).  Sitting here at the computer is difficult and frustrating.  One of the effects is that everything "fades" .. so light blue print is impossible to read; also anything small is impossible.  Watching television now is just listening and seeing a blur of colors (if I really want to "see" something, I have to sit or stand within about a foot of the screen; it's still blurred, but discernable).
I walk through my house and see mostly shadowy areas with pools of light where lamps or windows are.  I know my house well enough to know where things are (and absolutely Haate for anyone to move my things around).  I'm learning what things are more difficult to do (have you every tried to put toothpaste on a toothbrush when you literally couldn't tell where or how much you were getting?  Trick: squeeze the toothpaste onto a finger, and then squish it onto the brush).
I can no longer take my husband's blood pressure or temperature; and God help me if the alarm on the cycler goes off, because I can't read the screen that says why.
The people in my life day to day don't really grasp my frustration.  The one friend has been helping me go through freezer and pantry, to get rid of things I know I'll never use or are out of date.  I think she vaguely "gets it".  And my daughter in law has helped me go through mail and such; but she lives 2 hours away and they don't have time to visit.  My husband isn't really able to comprehend what I can and can't see; but then, he has multiple health issues, including dementai.  I'm satisfied for him just to know who I am.
Even when people close to me begin to understand what I can and can't see, they still don't really grasp what it's like on a day to day basis.  I want to clean my house, but literally can't see if a given surface is clean or not.  I go through the motions and hope for the best.  
I can't sew any more.  I actually can put my face close enough, and with a finger guiding, I can run the machine.  What I can't do is get thread through the tiny hole in a clear bobbin so I can wind it; or rethread the machine.   And no one really has time to just sit there with me to do that.
My world is gradually getting darker, and there's nothing I can do about it.   I trip over things I can't see (like that legs to my husband's bedside commode - they spraddle out, and I've broken a toe on it before, and always afraid I will again)..
It's barely daylight now.  Time to stumble through another day in my faded, out-of-focus world.
There were so many things I thought I'd get to do when I retired.  Instead I'm 24/7 caretaker for my husband, and no longer able to enjoy most of the things I wanted to do.  I don't resent caring for him (but will admit to being very tired).  I just feel sad  And very alone.