2014 Goals, sort of

I had it in mind to update my “bucket list” for the new year.  Then I thought I might copy my niece and write about 14 accomplishments to be achieved in 2014.  Only, I couldn’t think of 14.  I couldn’t even think of 4.

The thing is, my life is currently unpredictable from one day to the next.  I can’t even count on a regular morning routine any more.  But, I do need some sort of goals .  Without some sort of goals .. some hoe of bettering myself, my life, in some way … I become purposeless and useless.  That is not acceptable.

For 2014, I hope to be more patient.  A LOT more patient.  I hope to find new ways of accomplishing the day to day things that need to be done in lieu of a “routine”.  I need to grit my teeth and purge more and more of the “stuff” here, especially paper and paper related. Unless it’s insurance, annuity, or tax related – I don’t need it any more.

I got rid of at least a dozen ring binders.  I kept 4 or 5, several big fat ones, that I have meticulously assembled over the years (predominately Christmas related).  It just breaks my heart that after all that work, I can no longer see well enough to use them .. and no one else is interested. 

Perhaps I’ll keep them a bit longer, in hopes that there’ll be someone to help me use them again.

Another goal for 2014 is to be more self reliant.  I’ve been disappointed quite a few times this past year.  People say they are going to do something .. but then not only never do, they don’t even so much as acknowledge that they ever said they would.  So, instead of counting on people, I have to learn new ways of doing things so that I don’t need help.  The hardest part of that is taking care of DH.  I’m tired all the time, and tired makes me so much less patient than I need to be.

I don’t want to commit myself to anything more specific than this.  I really do not know from one day to the next what will happen.    As of tonight, I feel like  DH will continue on this same path for years .. slowly declining (but with his mind sadly failing faster than the rest of him).  His doctor put him on hospice; but I’m fairly sure they did that in order for us to get some degree of help (oxygen, hospital bed, wheelchair – all paid for by hospice, as well as other supplies).    I do not think his doctor literally saw him as being terminal within 6 months.  Or 12 months.  Who knows.  I do understand that the toxins from his kidney disease are slowly causing more problems for him that are, as yet, undetectable.

And enough of that gloomy subject!  The point is, although I *think* things will continue more or less as they are for many many months to come, I don’t know that for sure.  And even if the general theme continues, he is different from day to day.  That’s where I need to learn to be flexible, and come up with ways to get done the things I need to do.

I also need to work at determining what really is important and what isn’t.  Writing IS important, because I need the outlet for emotions and feelings.  Mostly I do that on my One Day blog.  I need to be sure to not go more than 2 days without updating.

One last point.  My goal is to be more “cheerful” in the newsletter, and less “whiny” in the blog.  Expressing my depression and frustration is one thing; but I need to stop complaining about the same stupid things over and over!  I’m amazed that no one has dropped the newsletter, even though I’ve had to cut way back on what is in it.  I actually miss being able to do the quotes and other stuff, but I just can’t see well enough.  Too bad I don’t have a research assistant! LOL!

I hope anyone who happens to read this has a wonderful New Year: healthy, safe, and prosperous!

Cats!I have been saying over the last year or two that I am "in traiin

I have been saying for the last few years that I am "in training" to be the "crazy cat lady".  There are few who would question the "crazy" part.  I was raised by a lady, but I can't say it "tok" all that much; but I do try.  Usually.  But cats ... ahhhhhh.  I do love cats.  Even when they infuriate me, which they often do.

When we lived at the beach, I was given an adorable "tiger" kitten.  He was very sweet, but like all cats he was curious.  So when an obnoxious houseguest left the door open, he went out.  Outdoor cat, no problem.  Outdoor cat when there's a pen with several large dogs ... major problem.  Suffice to say he did not survive the experience.
Later I was given another kitten.  She was pure white .. and purely mean.  I was the only one who was ever able to handle her, and even I had to be cautious.  Later I was given yet another kitten, a 3-legged refugee.  I thought the 2 would be comppany, but they never bonded.  Eventually the mean cat was allowed to be an outside cat, and she was actually much happier - and nicer - until she got into the cow pasture.
The 3-legged cat survived  several moves, and eventually succombed to natural causes.

About a year or so after the last cat died, a neighbor's cat had a litter.  I claimed one, the prettiest little female ever.  As it turned out, she was the only survivor of that litter (due to roaming evil dogs).  Her name is Maggie, and she is quite aware that she is a beautiful princess.  She's now about 3 1/2 years old.  

A friend had to move out of state and couldn't take her cat, so I said I would take him.  I thought he would be company for Maggie.  You'd think I'd have learned that doesn't work! LOL!  Anyway, he's a big yellow cat named Butter.  He's now a bit over 2 years, and they tolerate each other.  Mostly.  He does prefer to be outside, so most days I let him out in the morning.  He comes to the door at night when he's ready to come in!

Last summer a stray cat showed up in the yard.  She was very scrawney, but friendly.  So I started feeding her.  Butter was afraid of her, so he stayed inside for a few months.  One day I went out to feed the stray .. and to my very great surprise, kittens began to come out from under the porch!

Naturally I began feeding the kittens.  My thought was that I needed to get them "tamed" so I could catch them and take to a shelter.  Well, part of the problem with that is that I have no way to actually either catch them or get them to a shelter.  In any case, they are coming around, gradually, one at a time.

The little gray one was the first to accept me.  I tried picking him up once, and he tried to bite me.  Fortunately, his little baby teeth weren't strong enough.  Now, some months later, I can pick him up and ;et him.  He won't accept being held long at a time, but he doesn't bite or scratch; he purrs!
Several of the others (there are 5!) will now come rub around my feet and purr; and one is just starting to let me reach down and pet it.

Two days ago one of the little brats found a way to climb in a window.  I'm now really sure that's what he meant to do, but nevertheless he got in.  I didn't find him until much later; but then the big cats discovered him .. and he ended up in the attic!  Last night I finally had the big cats shut in the kitchen, so I took a small dish of food and some water upstairs, and shut the door.  This morning the kitten kept crying, so I gook a bowl of milk (watered down, that's what I give them outside) to him.  I sat on the stes in the doorway, and he came right up to the bowl .. and slurped down the milk so fast he choked himself!  The food and water was gone.  I went back and got a small dish of food, and put in down several steps.  Then I sat on the landing near the bottom of the steps.  It took a few minutes, but the kitten came on down.  When he got near me, he started "exploring".  He circled around me.  A time or two when he got close, I reached out and rubbed or scratched him.  He ducked away, but ot far; and he was purring the whole time.  He kept getting braver, letting me touch and rub him.  Finally when he was close and not darting away, I got hold of him by the back of the neck.  I was then able to pick him up .. still purring .. and carry him to the door to go out.
And the little brat, as soon as his feet hit the porch, immediately stood up against the door crying again!!  Seems he liked being inside!  Oh, it is SO tempting.  But 3 cats?  And with Miss Maggie not likeing "intruders" into her kingdom?  Sigh.  I guess not.

I'm really OK with the outside cats.  After all, we live out in the country .. and have mice!  Maggie and Butter are turning into pretty good mousers.  I'd like to think the outside ones would be also.  But .. carzy or not, I don't really need or want more litters.  So I need to catch the females at the very least and have them spayed.
Hmmm.  First I need someone with good vision (which I do NOT have) to determine which are the females.  Then I need to borrow one or two large "live traps".  And then I'll need someone to actually take them to the vet, or shelter, whichever I need to do.

So.  I have the cat part well in hand.  The crazy part is not in question.  I guess I need to work harder on being a lady.  Well, sometimes anyway. :)

End of OctoberIf there's anyone out there actually fo

If there's anyone out there actually following this countdown journey with me, I apologize for my erratic postings.  There are things going on that are just beyond my control, and I'm working around them as best I can.
I am having to cut back on my ambitions for my Plan, but the end result - a clean and organized (mostly) house - is still the goal.  The worst room was the guest room, and I';m very pleased with what I accomlished in there.
I have exactly 5 weeks until Thanksgiving.  So, my semi-revised plan is to finish cleaning rooms by the weekend before, do a really good all over clean, and then pre.  As of now I might have anywhere from 15 to 22 here .. and as long as I can figure out where to seat them, the more the merrier!  (note: I will have my daughter in law, my stepson's girlfriend, and her mother all here to do the bulk of the cooking!)
I haven't been able to clean the porch as I hoped; but ALL of the cardboard that was piled up is gone, and the few "fragile" plants have been brought in.  That might be as good as it gets for outside.  I only have 4 areas I need to tackle, and 2 can be combined (and need very little unless I can find somewhere I'm comfortable with to donate more books).  So I hope I'll get at least some of the outside decorating done before the weather is too cold.  I'm sure it will have to be cut back this year, since I have much less help.
The last week before Thanksgiving I will start packing up bric-a0brac and photos so I'll have surfaces ready to decorate.  I'm leaving fall decorations up until Thanksgiving, but one more week and then Halloween gets packed away.

One thing I seem to have trouble with is focus.  I started out well; but I keep jumping from one room to another.  Right now I'm obsessed with changes I want to make in the den.  I have done part of what I wanted (because I had to move a big recliner so it wouldn't be absorbing the bulk of the heat from the wall heater as well as blocking heat from the rest of the room!).  I have a plan in mind for the rest; and I may just go ahead and start working on that today.  No one will be here today or tomorrow  so if that room is all in disarray it won't matter .. and if I get "stuck", the kids will be here Sunday and have no choice but help! LOL!

This has been a very bad week on several levels.  I'm going to try to get enough accomplished in the next few days to feel better about the few areas I can control!

COUNTDOWN PLANNING 101

HOW TO DESIGN YOUR OWN “CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN PLAN”

Over the years I have belonged off and on to many organizing groups and sites.  I was one of the original members to one group that is now BIG (and I’ve exceedingly happy for the lady who had a great idea and ran with it!).  And there are now many “professional” versions of this idea, many books published, etc.

They all tell you what to do.  Some have more detail than others.  They’re not all in the same order.  But the idea, of course, is to end up with a clean house and a calm holiday where everyone can enjoy themselves.

The problem I always have with all of these is (1) my list of rooms doesn’t match up with theirs.  Not a “big deal”, rooms can be substituted.  And (2)my time frame and other considerations interfere.  So I’ve had to use their basic ideas to make my own plan. 

I’m not going to tell you what my plan is.  I’m going to try to tell you HOW I made my plan.

The first step is to determine your starting point.  Are you starting in August?  October?  It’s up to you how much time you want to allow and how much detail you want to accomplish.  Here’s an example: I have multiple birthdays to deal with in October and November.  So trying to shop for Christmas gifts just doesn’t work for me.  I have money set aside in savings.  Also, I enjoy having a “wrapping day” rather than wrap gifts as they’re bought.  It’s up to you to decide your personal preference before you can incorporate it into your plan.

Another thing you will need to consider isif you are making gifts.  A lot of people don’t need a “how to” plan, they work on them all year.  But if you need more structure, then you will want to add time for working on your gifts.

Once you have your starting point, and have taken into consideration whether or not to shop early, and whether o not gift-making is to be part of your plan, the next step is to decide what areas you want to tackle, and how much detail cleaning/organizing you feel the need for.  Keep in mind – this is your personal plan.  You don’t have to go by what anyone else ways you *should* do, only what makes you happy!

I recommend you make a list of all the areas you want to tackle.  Then determine how many weeks you have to reach your goal.  For example, if you plan to start in the beginning of Septemberand you want to be done by Thanksgiving, you will figure on roughly 10 to 12 weeks (depending on the calendar in any given year).  If there are more areas than there are weeks, decide which areas can be either combined or eliminated.  You’ll make yourself crazy – and set yourself up for failure – if you try to cram too much into too short a time frame.  (If that’s where you are now – let it go!  You can’t do it all.  Do what matters most, and start earlier next year!).

You now have a rough outline of your plan.  The next step is to figure out what needs to be done each week.  This has to be based completely on your life style, your location, your family.  For example: many plans start with the front porch, because that’s what visitors see first.  And that’s fine if that’s what works for you or is what’s important for you.  But what if you start your plan in August, and you live somewherr that August is extremely hot?  Do you perhaps want to wait for cooler weather?  Do you want to do the porch when it might be time to bring “delecate” container plants inside, and maybe decorate for fall?  It’s entirely up to you, this is just a general guide of things you might want to consider.

Also, how much detail do you want to go into?  Are you having a big family get together and want to make big or special improvements?  Or do you just want to make sure everything is neat and clean and any needed repairs get taken care of?  I suggest you make notes of any ideas you have about different aareas on the list of areas to work on.  You can later cull it down if your list is over ambitious.

In listing ideas you must also take into consideration the time frame you have and anything that could come up that eats into your time frame (birthdays?  Anniversaries?  Doctor appointments?).  Do you work outside the home full or part time?  Do you work at home?  Do you have set or flexible hours?  Do you have to consider school – homeschooling, or carpooling, extra curricular events, etc.  Try to put as many of those things as you can on your calendar first so you can plan around them.

OK, back to the subject of what to do and when to do it.  In my personal plan, I work on less “important” rooms first – in my case, rooms that are not often seen by visitors.  I also keep in mind the weather.  For example, as with considering the porch, will a given area be too hot or too cool to do cleaning or organizing?  I personally do not include attic or storage areas, but you can if you want them tackled.  (I clean the attic in January while the bulk of what lives there – Chrsitmas decorations – is not in the way).  This is your plan, do what you want done!  Just make sure you take into consideration the comfort level of where you plan to work.

A lot of the planning groups and sites give you check lists.  While it’s good to be able to check off what you’ve accomplished (especially if, like me, you need that visual cue to keep encouraged).  But I also find those lists very cumbersome in that they include many things that either aren’t important to me or aren’t relevant.   You can go to any of those sites (google Chaistmas organizing), or you can make your own lists based on what is important in your home.

I’ve given you a basic outline of how to make a plan to suit your home and life.  It’s up to you how much detail you want to put into it.  Some people may work better with every tiny thing written down (i.e. scrub light switch plates).  Others do fine with a list that just says “this week clean the bedroom”.  You choose if you want to sort closets and drawers, or if that’s not important to you right now.  The whole point is to be ready for Christmas, not put your house up for public inspection!  Guests will inevitably peeop into the medicine cabinet.  Do you care?  Does it stay neat anyway?  (I broke a closet door, so the entire bathroom closet has to stay neat since it’s always “open”.  On the other hand, if they snoop in drawers, they *might* deserve to find a mouse trap!)

There are a few other things I recommend you keep in mind.

(1)     Nothing will go as planned.  Accept that, go with it the best you can.

(2)    Try to schedule “catch up” time into your schedule to make those unavoidable interruptions less stressful.

(3)    Include celebrations in your plan.  Don’t be so wrapped up in getting the house clean that your forget to make (or order) a birthday cake.  Allow time for fun!

(4)    Don’t be afraid to ask for or accept help if you’re lucky enough to have any available!

(5)    Keep in mind that the ultimate goal is a stress free holiday season. You have to decide what’s important to you and your family, and let go of what bogs you down if it’s not important to you!

Into Darkness

I was born with very poor vision.  The fact that I could see "clearly" at something 3 inches from my face is probably all that kept me from being "legally blind".  From early in the first grade - only 5 years old - I had to wear "coke bottle" glasses.  
For a brief spell when I was in college I had contact lenses.  That was before the days of "soft lenses" or disposable ones; but oh! the freedome they gave me.  But when I went to work in an office the freedome ended .. my eyes could not tolerate the dry air and flourescent lighting.  So back to the thick lenses, but at least I could have them tinted to help with glare.
At some point, maybe 20 or so years ago (I really do not remember except that it was during the time we lived in Edenton) I had a "spontaneous detached retina" in my right eye.  I had surgery, but it left me with a mostly blind eye - only some peripheral vision.
Fast forward another 20 to 25 years, give or take a few.  I developed cataracts.   Apparently they had been developing for quite some time; but without eye care insurance, I was a long time between appointments.  When I got to the point I could no longer ignore my fading vision, I went to an eye doctor - who promptly sent me to a surgeon. 
I had some sort of minor tear in one eye that had to be repaired, resulting in 6 weeks of no computer, no reading, no bedning, no heavy lifting. Once I got past that, I had the cataracts removed - one eye in December, the other in January.
For a very brief wonderful time, I could SEE!  I still needed glasses for reading, which was extremely hard to adjust to.  When the cataracts were removed, the lenses in my eyes were replaced, an it reversed my vision from near-sighted to far-sighted.  Never again can I read by simply holding a book close to my face.
After recovering from the cataract surgery, I went to a regular eye doctor to get prescription reading glasses.  I actually could "make do" with dollar store readers, but needed something better in order to keep working.
That's when I was diagnosed with glaucoma.  At that time, it was not noticeably effecting my vision.  That was around 5 and a half years ago.  The doctor then told me he thought I'd be completely blind "within my lifetime" (based on me being in my early 60s then and with at least a 20 year or more life expectancy).   He did not tell me how fast my vision would fail without actually being "blind".
I now see a glaucoma specialist about 3 to 4 times a year, and have a bunch of different eye drops to control pressure.  But the fact is, my vision has deteriorated drastically.
I can no longer drive (and technically no longer have a valid license, although the one I have expires in December - as long as no one were to run it with DMV, because it was revoked at the end of September).  Sitting here at the computer is difficult and frustrating.  One of the effects is that everything "fades" .. so light blue print is impossible to read; also anything small is impossible.  Watching television now is just listening and seeing a blur of colors (if I really want to "see" something, I have to sit or stand within about a foot of the screen; it's still blurred, but discernable).
I walk through my house and see mostly shadowy areas with pools of light where lamps or windows are.  I know my house well enough to know where things are (and absolutely Haate for anyone to move my things around).  I'm learning what things are more difficult to do (have you every tried to put toothpaste on a toothbrush when you literally couldn't tell where or how much you were getting?  Trick: squeeze the toothpaste onto a finger, and then squish it onto the brush).
I can no longer take my husband's blood pressure or temperature; and God help me if the alarm on the cycler goes off, because I can't read the screen that says why.
The people in my life day to day don't really grasp my frustration.  The one friend has been helping me go through freezer and pantry, to get rid of things I know I'll never use or are out of date.  I think she vaguely "gets it".  And my daughter in law has helped me go through mail and such; but she lives 2 hours away and they don't have time to visit.  My husband isn't really able to comprehend what I can and can't see; but then, he has multiple health issues, including dementai.  I'm satisfied for him just to know who I am.
Even when people close to me begin to understand what I can and can't see, they still don't really grasp what it's like on a day to day basis.  I want to clean my house, but literally can't see if a given surface is clean or not.  I go through the motions and hope for the best.  
I can't sew any more.  I actually can put my face close enough, and with a finger guiding, I can run the machine.  What I can't do is get thread through the tiny hole in a clear bobbin so I can wind it; or rethread the machine.   And no one really has time to just sit there with me to do that.
My world is gradually getting darker, and there's nothing I can do about it.   I trip over things I can't see (like that legs to my husband's bedside commode - they spraddle out, and I've broken a toe on it before, and always afraid I will again)..
It's barely daylight now.  Time to stumble through another day in my faded, out-of-focus world.
There were so many things I thought I'd get to do when I retired.  Instead I'm 24/7 caretaker for my husband, and no longer able to enjoy most of the things I wanted to do.  I don't resent caring for him (but will admit to being very tired).  I just feel sad  And very alone.

Random Thoughts in a Sleepless Night

It’s 3:00 AM and I’m awake.  I don’t know why; I want desperately to be asleep.  I seem to be developing chronic insomnia.  I don’t know if I’m falling victim to what I’ve accused DH of for years: not sleeping at night because of sleeping/napping too much during the day.    Hve I got it backwards?  Is the overwhelming daytime exhaustion because of not being able to sleep all night?  And why?   I was so tired and frustrated with DH waking in the middle of the night (anywhere from 1:00 to 4:00 on average).  But the new sleeping pill is working it seems.  He does occasionally wake up (rarely that I need to go in and get him settled back down).  But I’m still waking up and can’t get back to sleep.  I don’t dare taken anything to make me sleep; not even a glass of wine.  I need to be able to wake up if he does call me, or if the cycler alarms.  I guess I need to try to avoid, or at least limit, the daytime napping.  And the only way I’ll do that is by getting busy doing *something*.  And that’s hard to do when you’re so exhausted it hurts to move.

When I wake up in the wee hours and can’t get back to sleep, my mnd seems to go into overdrive.  This is an attempt to shut it down by going on and writing out thoughts (and by the way, starting the washer and getting a sandwich – to do something productive since I’m up, and hoping the peanutbutter and jelly will let me get back to sleep in a little while).

I keep being asked what am I going to do.  It seems people are afraid to be specific – do about what?  When the nurse asks, she seems to be asking what am I going to do when I can’t take care of DH, either because his condition deteriorates or because I’m no longer physicaly able.  I can’t answer her, because I don’t anticipate that happening.  Denial?  Perhaps; but I just can’t fathom any possible way for any other situation.   If he were to get to the point of literally not able to get out of bed, even to get on the commode; and his dementia progress to where he’s completely “out of it” or no longer recognizes family … I firmly believe (and *think* DSS does too, though it’s harder for him to accept) his wishes would be to just stop doing the dialysis, and let him slip away naturally and peacefully.  The only thing he’s ever stated was that he doesn’t want to be a “vegetable”.  (mostly he’s completely refused to have “that conversation” in any form whatsoever.  No, that’s not completely true.  He has stated that he thinks “elaborate” funerals are a waste of time and money)  But – funerals are for the living).

Meantime, I just don’t see any way of anything changing.  I’ve done the best I can to make arrangements to cope with my vision problems.  Many people know about the problems (I will need someone to stay here with Jimmy – someone physically capable of dealing with him if necessary; and someone to drive me somewhere to get the glasses fitted and ordered.  And then I’d have to do it all over again when they’re ready.  There are none of those “one-hour” places even remotely close to us).  So far – everyone is just way to busy.

I suspect some of the “what are you going to do” questions are vague references to after DH is gone.  I can’t answer those.  I can’t even imagine life without him.  I’ve been married to him half my life (and I know that’s not all that long compared to other marriages, but I can only think within my own experience).  Even the way his is now, without him here my life would have a big hole in it.  I guess I would wander around the house aimlessly for awhile.I know the time would come – quickly – that people go their own way and I’d be mostly ignored.  I think the “kids” (DS and DSS, and their respective spouses or SOs) would try to pressure me to move.  But not because they don’t want me out here alone, but because they don’t want to be bothered having to come way out here if I needed something (like going to the grocery store?)

When DH was last in the hospital, one doctor made a comment – I can’t remember it exactly – the gist was “he could last six months like that”.  That was almost immediately after her comment “we’re not doing anything medically for him, we’re just keeping him alive”.  I thought that was a bit of a crude statement, so her comments after didn’t fully register.  I am not sure if she was saying she thought he wouldn’t live more than six months past that time (which he already has); or if she was implying he *might* last six months if the dialysis was discontinued (which the PD nurse told me would most definitely NOT be the case – maybe up to 3 days).  All of the doctors on that last visit seemed to imply that we should stop the dialysis (or at the very least he should go back to hemo, which he is adamantly against.  Besides which that would create a whole new set of problems.  And his original PD nurse flatly stated she wasn’t sure he could survive hemo now.  I didn’t ask if she menat emotionally, or because of blood pressure issues, or what).

Hospice was mentioned, almost in passing – just to state that it wasn’t an option because he’s on dialysis.  That also seemed to imply they thought he wouldn’t last more than six months.

Ironically, it was the dialysis center who started the process of getting him into hospice.    It took 3 tries to get him accepted.  On his last visit to the pulmo clinic at Duke, the doctor said she thought hospice was a good direction for us, and she would do anything – sign anything – needed to get him admitted.  In the end, it was her signed admittance form that got him accepted. 

When we discussed it, she made sure to explain that the six months was only an estimated time frame, and could be renewed.  Ever since then I’ve wondered: did she really think he had six months or less?  Did she not want to just come out and say that to us?   (he was already a bit depressed because she has flatly stated he would NOT get any better).  Or was she really just reassuring us that it was just a way of getting him admitted into a program that would supposedly make things easier for us? As I said, he’s already more than six months out of the hospital.  And while his condition has clearly deteriorated, I honestly don’t think he’s all that near “the end”.  Apparently neither does his nurse.  (and I’m constantly afraid that he really isn’t “bad enough” and they’ll drop him from the program.  Not that I want him to be that bad; but it does terrify me to think of not having the nurse once a week, or the CAN 3 times a week; of having to pay for his oxygen, hospital bed, and wheelchair; of being completely on my own (and unable to drive) to take care of him.

He was admitted on July 9^th.  The initial six months takes him just past the end of December.  That’s about 2 and a half months from now.  No, I don’t think he’ll be gone in that time.  But I will say, I’ve long suspected that he’s more likely to succumb to a heart attack.  He’s had 2 – the last one while he was in the hospital (Feb. 2011) which we were told was a “big” one. A doctor told me many years ago that lung patients were more likely to die from heart failure as the heart was over worked trying to maintain a failing body.  That would be the easiest way for him – quickly and done; but finding hm just might drive me into dementia. With the rejection, the nurse will be able to tell when he’s near the end, and most likely I won’t be here alone.  Although by then maybe I’ll wish I was!

I’ve sat here and wrote for an hour, without managing to clarify my thoughts at all.  But perhaps I can sleep a few more hours now.

Grapes

Over 50 years ago - maybe closer to 60 - the house my grandmother lived in had a grape arbor just out the back door, off the porch.  I think it was very close to a sealed over well; my vague memory is of it being somewhat "off limits", or at least dangerous.
I have not thought of that grape vine in many years.  It is, of course, long gone - as is the house.
My sister-in-law came to visit yesterday, and brought us a little baggie of Scuppernong grapes.  This afternoon I wanted a snack, so got some of the grapes.  And I stood at the kitchen sink, eating grapes, with tears rolling down my face.  I did not know you could taste a memory!!
Everyone knows, of course, the *correct* way to eat a Scuppernong grape is to bite down just enough to break the skin.  Then you squeeze the sweet juicy miside into your mouth, and throw away the slightly bitter, slightly tough skin.  They taste like childhood.  They taste like bare feet in grass, and sticky juice running down my chin and fingers.  They taste like the sound of buzzing flies.  They taste like lazy yard cats sleeping in the summer sun (but dodging sticky young fingers).  
They tasste like carefree sunny days when feeling loved and cared for was a given, and the biggest worry was avoiding bee stings.
I have a glimpse of why Jimmy keeps wanting to "go home".  So do I.